The Mirror: The Way of all Flesh

You've probably heard the expression 'gone the way of all flesh' meaning that someone has died. However, you may not know that this expression comes from the Old Testament. Check out Joshua 22:14 and 1 Kings 2:2 which say, depending on the translation, 'go the way of all the earth' or 'go the way of all flesh.' I did not know this until I researched it for this post, but I'm not surprised, as many common sayings are either bible quotes or bastardizations of them.

The title of Samuel Butler's classic semi autobiographical novel, The Way of all Flesh, is then a most appropriate title because the protagonist is a clergyman. Written by Butler between 1873 and 1884, the novel is an attack on Victorian era hypocrisy.

Classic novels may not be your thing, and I suspect it's probably because of the writing style. Being lexically dense, with old fashioned words and extremely long and complex sentences doesn't always facilitate easy reading, but I love this stuff. The themes explored by Butler in The Way of all Flesh: hypocrisy, religion, faith, atheism, nature versus nurture and family dynamics may well be oft explored ideas, but the classics have a precision and depth in their language use which is, although not rare in modern novels, certainly different. We should remember classical writers were not competing with nor were they influenced by film and television. In any case, the skill of the writer in dealing with universal themes to which everyone can relate, is to challenge the view of the reader; to make them think.

I've been posting quotes from The Way of all Flesh regularly on Facebook, since I began reading it. When I read something and I have stop, and re read it, and contemplate it, allowing it to filter through my worldview, I know I am reading quality and inspired writing. The quote I want to share in this post is one I found particularly pertinent as I am currently facilitating the journey of another group of men through the Valiant Man sexual discipleship program. This quote contains information about the main character which may be considered a 'spoiler'.

"Although in the healthy atmosphere of such a school as Roughborough you can have come across contaminating influences; you were probably, I may say certainly, impressed at school with the heinousness of any attempt to depart from the strictest chastity until such time as you had entered into a state of matrimony. At Cambridge you were shielded from impurity by every obstacle which virtuous and vigilant authorities could devise, and even had the obstacles been fewer, your parents probably took care that your means should not admit of your throwing money away upon abandoned characters. At night proctors patrolled the street and dogged your steps if you tried to go into any haunt where the presence of vice was suspected. By day the females who were admitted within the college walls were selected mainly on the score of age and ugliness. It is hard to see what more can be done for any young man than this. 

For the last four or five months you have been a clergyman, and if a single impure thought had still remained within your mind, ordination should have removed it: nevertheless, not only does it appear that your mind is as impure as though none of the influences to which I have referred had been brought to bear upon it, but it seems as though their only result had been this-that you have not even the common sense to be able to distinguish between a respectable girl and a prostitute."

What I like about this quote is that it very accurately displays the ignorance and arrogance of men regarding sexuality. Good men get into trouble when they forget they are men. Most men are good at being providers for and defenders of their loved ones, but we are also good at ignoring danger and pandering to our weaknesses and addictions. It never ends well for the man who cannot control his sex drive.

The Mirror: Instant Drop in Standards

 Back in 1984, my 15 year old friends and I went to see a film which legally we weren't supposed to be able to see. I was able to buy alcohol as well around that time thanks to looking older than I was, and the slackness of those who sold the grog. I live in Australia's Northern Territory and I need to show my ID every time I buy alcohol at a bottle shop. I'm pretty sure I look over eighteen now, but we have a banned drinkers register up here, so no ID, no booze. Late in '84, I'm pretty sure the person who sold me movie tickets to Scarface (rated R) didn't even look at me to see whether I was old enough, and they certainly didn't ask.

How did I feel about seeing a film with sex, nudity, very frequent coarse language, graphic violence, gore, and intense and frightening scenes? Let me just say, there's a reason such content is restricted to adults.

That was 36 years ago. Thirty six years. In the 1980's you never heard swear words on TV. There was no PG rating, but they had one called NRC (not recommended for children under 12), so films with a rating lower than M would generally have been considered okay for older children. There would not have been any course language or strong violence and certainly no nudity or sex, not even suggested or implied sex. TV was also very safe during prime time, generally speaking.

Of course, it's possible, I'm viewing the past through rose-coloured glasses, but I feel like there was a lot of safe, harmless viewing for children, even as recently as the late nineties and early 2000's when my older children were growing up.

I would have bet my life on a PG film being safe for my two younger children, now aged fourteen and eleven respectively. In fact, I tell them when it's their turn to choose, that anything PG is okay for us on family movie night. There's been a not of a blurring, a lowering of standards in my view, but it's been such a slow fade I wouldn't be able to pinpoint when it happened. At what point did someone say it was now okay to use the word "shit" multiple times throughout a PG rated film? When did nudity and strong sexual allusions become okay? Realistic violence? Did I miss something? There's no other way to describe it other than as a slow fade.

What brought this all to a head for me was last week's family movie. I'd previously considered this one, but baulked and, in it's place selected the pathetic Jack and the Beanstalk which I wrote about in a previous post. I hesitated and chose another film instead of Instant Family because of the advisory warning. These are good. These advisory warnings because they add detail to the rating. Okay, it's PG but why? What is it exactly that makes this family film not for general exhibition. Instant Family actually rated M today, but I swear it was PG on Saturday. Anyway, it's rated M with a content advisory saying its suitable for children aged 13 and over...which is what I thought PG was.

My point remains though, albeit minus my star attraction in the witness box. There are PG films with mild sex scenes, coarse language and medium level violence listed on Amazon Prime's ratings list. I reckon PG is no sex, no coarse language, and mild comedic violence only. But I'm swimming against the tide, I know that. When parents take their children to the cinemas to see M rated films, and they say that's okay because they are superhero films.

I admit to being conservative which may lead me to the continuation of this tiresome belly-ache. Rather than making clearer my already completely transparent views, I'll turn my attention to the film which started it all. It's ironic that it appears to have been my mistake which led me to having to try to explain 'dick pic' to my eleven year daughter. I chose an M rated film which contained frequent uses of 'shit'. And there were some fairly intense dramatic scenes and violence. You can see why I was shocked. And you can probably also see why I'm a little sheepish about my protest. Protest? Let's be honest, it was a rant; a baseless rant, (but not entirely baseless).

I'll be more careful next time.

Instant Family, by the way, is a terrific film. A highly recommended heart warmer.

Snake Oil: Two monumental lies

I believed two lies which informed my life practice for decades, underpinning every decision I made. I learned these things indirectly, by observation and experience, and in the case of one of them, I was so deceived that I didn't even realize I was enslaved to a false and harmful philosophy. Both parsimony and lasciviousness ruled me as secret tyrants.

While these powerful, yet hidden lessons controlled me, I proclaimed my normalcy. It is not an unusual thing for a man to be careful with money, especially if he has a family to support. Saying no is a crucial sign of strength. It is also quite normal for a man to be frequently having inappropriate thoughts of a sexual nature, and even acting out these thoughts in some way. Saying yes is a crucial sign of strength. I learned these things from my father.

1. A man is not generous. He is stingy and controlling.
2. A woman is a thing for a man's pleasure. In sexual matters, a man does not deny himself, and women should accept that.

To be fair, Dad improved with age. he mellowed and became a better man. When he died, I lost one of my best friends. I still miss him and the great friendship we built over my lifetime, through many challenges. But dad taught me to be mean with money and to objectify women. 

I believe I was in my forties when I read this verse in the Bible: "One gives freely, yet grows all the richer, another withholds what he should give and only suffers want." (Proverbs 11:24)  I had considered myself a good steward of money, prudent and sensible, but upon reading this verse God told me I was stingy. I have been working on becoming more generous ever since.

In 2015 with my marriage over, partially as a result of infidelity on my part, I was sitting in church when an ad popped up on the big screen during the announcements segment. Upon hearing that this course, called Valiant Man, was about sexual discipleship, I felt God wanted me to do it. The course switched the lights on, exposing my slavery to the god of sex, and ever since I have been working on becoming a better man, a purer man, an honorable man who respects women.

One of the things I learned in the course was the value of emotional honesty and humility. Recognizing my behaviour in the arenas of 
money and sex, I had to admit I was a long way short of where I wanted to be. I wanted to understand myself and I wanted to change. I wanted, and I still want truth to change me.

In the individualistic and hyper-eroticized West, money and sex have become weaponized commodities. The great lie is that this is okay. This is the lie I believed most of my life because my father lived it out in front of me. I swallowed the snake oil, but I didn't know any better, nor did he. Now I've spat it out and rejected the lie.

relationDips: rules of engagement (culinary)

Anarchists feel that rules are like prison bars, so do rebellious teenagers. There is something of the rebel in all of us: it's human nature. However, most of us learn to accept rules and acknowledge that, paradoxically, although they do impose restrictions, they also provide freedom.

For example, I feel safe and free when I drive because of the road rules, and my faith that the majority of my fellow motorists know the rules and obey them. We all bend these rules to some extent, but generally we acquiesce to the order they impose.

Relationships require rules. They may seldom be called rules, and are often spoken negotiated agreements rather than codified laws, but they are invariably established within all relationships. Sometimes, they just happen as in one person's reaction to the other's breach of an unspoken rule which results in an apology and a promise to "never do that again". At other times, they are more purposefully constructed. A person entering a second marriage will want to discuss the issues which contributed to the demise of their first marriage in an effort to make sure the mistakes of the past are not repeated.

My wife and I discussed big issues like money, sex and parenting before we married. It was the second time around for both of us and we each wanted to ensure that we understood the other's expectations. An early obstacle for us was religion. I'm a protestant Christian and she is a Roman Catholic Christian. Despite our mutual faith in Christ, we had to deal with the matter of church rules versus the teaching of the Bible. We agreed to be tolerant, and not to force each other. We agreed to disagree about somethings. For example, the Catholic rule which prevents my devoted wife from ever taking communion because she is a divorcee. I strongly disagree with this church rule, but I respect my wife's right to accept it. This has become a "rule" in our relationship which we both understand and adhere to, and within which we are free and feel safe. She knows I will not go on about it, nor criticize her or force her to do something about it.

Another catholic church rule which is not Biblical is abstaining from meat on Fridays. I understand this is a mark of respect for Christ who was crucified on a Friday. However, my understanding of the Bible is that we are free to eat whatever we want to, whenever we want to. Peter's vision is instructive, but Paul adds some words about food in relation to respecting other people which also need to be taken into consideration.

In the continued search for more common ground, I decided to not eat meat on Fridays. It makes very little difference to me. Even though I eat meat almost everyday, I considered it an inconsequential sacrifice. My wife was overjoyed at this simple gesture. It is now something we do together to demonstrate our mutual faith in Christ, and to show respect to our Saviour and to each other. By doing this, I am being respectful rather than just talking about being respectful.

I eat well and regularly. My example has influenced her to not skip meals. I used to eat sandwiches and drink Coke everyday. Under her gentle influence, I have reduced my Coke consumption by half and dropped one of my lunch time sandwiches for a hot meal. Some of these changes were negotiated and others have just happened as result of the time we have spent together, positively impacting on each other's lives.

My wife once told me that she didn't like rules. At the time, I challenged her about this, but have since accepted it is not true, not as a blanket statement anyway. I don't go on about it. This is another example of one of our rules, but we don't need to be explicit about its existence. A good set of rules should just operate in the background, underpinning the relationship.

To finish I return to Paul's words:

Romans 14:3 "The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not everything must not judge the one who does, for God accepts both."

I  think this is an excellent culinary rule for healthy relationships, and by extension an admirable goal for relationships in general. What say you?

relationDips 2: meat and three veggies

I grew up in the 70s and 80s on meat and three veggies for dinner. I ate a sandwich for lunch pretty much every day, and some variety of sugary cereal for breakfast. Spaghetti bolognese was as exotic as it got. Mum was a good cook and we ate well, but variety was invarious or perhaps unvarious or even disvarious. My life in general, like my food was uniform. It was simple.

Those of you who have been around for any number of years, operating in the adult world, know that eventually things get complicated. The first real complication for me was my parent's separation which occurred at the same time that the hormonal cyclone known as puberty hit me. I then had to start high school in new suburb without knowing a single person. I lived with my grandparents during the first six months or so of that tumultuous 13th year of my life.

Food remained a constant amidst the emotional upheaval. Nana was a good cook and I continued to enjoy hearty meat and three veggie meals. My interest in girls blossomed concurrently with the blooming of their feminine bodies, and developed naturally into a plethora of infatuations and obsessions, but I never saw food as anything other than sustenance. Sure it was enjoyable, but I never thought about the incredible variety of food that I was missing out on, simply because I wasn't curious about exotic foods. On the other hand, I was intensely, monomaniacally inquisitive about girls.

I began to broaden my culinary horizons,in my 20s, when I traveled and lived overseas, initially for a period of about 18 months. In some cases I ate new things because the alternative was not eating at all. It was hardly surprising that these experiences fostered a love of interesting food. To this day, I will try anything once. Being an adventurous eater has made my life much more interesting by opening the door to all manner of appetizing delights.

There is no reason to be stuck eating the same foods day in and day out when there is so much potentially scrumptious temptation on offer. Strangely, this argument is used by some people to argue against monogamy in relationships. I say strangely, but there is some sense to it, isn't there? Why stick with one woman when there are so many to choose from? Why spend you're whole life having to make love with the same person? Meat and three veggies? Come one! There's so much more available.

Based on a complete misunderstanding of the purpose of sex, and ignorance of its power, this philosophy would be embarrassing and laughable, if it weren't so dangerous. How can you compare food, which exists for enjoyment and sustenance alone, with relationships? 

Apparently you can, if the evidence is anything to go by.  Don't worry, I'm not about to start spouting statistics about sex, divorce, and adultery, nor decry the abomination which is the pornography industry. I don't need to go there. All I need to do is present my life as exhibit A, and tell the judge that I rest my case.

By the way, I still eat a sandwich for lunch most days so maybe there's hope for me yet.

relationDips 1: e-whores

e-whore: a person who uses sex in some way to persuade men to pay money, or sign up for some online service. They usually target men.

One can see by how many of these fraudsters there are, either there is a lot of money to be made in this "industry", or all these dishonest and devious people involved in such exploits are stupid.

Truth be told there is no shortage of stupidity on both sides: victims and perpetrators. 

I understand why men get sucked in by these deceptions. I too have been sucked in. Eventually I worked out what was going on as I noticed certain commonalities among the women who followed me on Twitter, then said hello, then told me a bunch of lies before asking for money, usually in the form of an iTunes or Amazon gift card. Why they ask for those particular methods of payment is a still a mystery to me.

Fantasy plays a big part in this whole sorry business. E-whores appeal to weakness. By using flattery and provocative photos, they quickly catch the attention of many men, who will, despite knowing better in most cases, play the game. Why? Because the game meets a need.

The problem is that such frivolous and fraudulent encounters do nothing to satisfy deep emotional needs. This form of counterfeit intimacy is what Dr Allen Meyer calls "junk sex". In just the same way as junk food meets the immediate need of satisfying hunger, but leaves one soon disappointed and hungry, as well as malnourished, junk sex is a cheap substitute for real emotional intimacy.

Believe it or not men who indulge in this online behaviour are not primarily driven by a desire for sex. It's much more complicated than that.

If a man in your life is trapped in this roundabout of addictive behaviour, try to get him to talk about his motives, and show him mercy. Leave your judges cap in the closet. Most likely he doesn't like what he's doing either.

Real relationships, honest and transparent ones with genuine people, are real food for our souls. The search for intimacy continues...

NB: I usually include images in my posts, but for obvious reasons this time I did not.

Available now

Roughly three years after I began writing it, my most important novel so far, I am proud to announce that Love Sick Love, published by Rogue Phoenix Press, is now available to purchase.

Angus has battled an obsession with sex throughout his adult life. Although outwardly a model husband and father with a respectable life and a well-paying job, he has a shameful secret life which he has become highly skilled at hiding.

Cassy is married to Angus and has no idea about his secret life. In fact, with her own worries she has been pulling away from him, emotionally and physically which is making his behaviour worse. Although she does not know it, Cassy is fanning the flames of an inferno which threatens to destroy their marriage.

Lovesickness: the eternal bane of humanity, the inescapable affliction which we simultaneously crave and fear. For Angus and Cassy, already in the thirteenth year of their marriage, the painful journey to true happiness has only just began.

Love Sick Love is a brutally honest and confronting story of love, sexual obsession and hope.

Get your copy here Love Sick Love

Sex #atozchallenge

“Her friendship became valuable to him, even as he struggled with the sexual attraction he felt for her. Had he been able to distinguish between the person and the woman, Angus may have suffered less emotional trauma, but he couldn’t. He was needy. Hungry for attention and for sex, and she was impossibly desirable. Unselfconsciously seductive. Worse than his lust affection cocktail for her was that the feeling was mutual. The problem was Afrooz was not willing to go all the way down the road on which they had started driving. She wanted to drive for a little while, then U-turn back to the beginning, park the car and let the engine cool down, before commencing the journey once more.”

Lovesick chapter 1

Sex is an obvious choice, for the letter ‘s’, especially in light of the strong sexual content in Lovesick, but I’m actually experiencing a strange reluctance to talk about it again. However, it’s a big deal, isn’t it? It’s hard to deny the influence and impact of sex throughout human history.

Okay, I’m feeling pretty laid back tonight as I write, so I’m going to attack this topic from a different angle: the procreative angle, as opposed to the recreative angle. I recently heard it referred to as a horizontal recreation in the great Australian film, Gallipoli. Anyway, I digress.

The point is if no intercourse occurred we would not be here. Male/female coupling is required for the propagation of our species. I respect people’s right to choose not to follow this pattern, (both hetero and homosexual couples), but if everyone chose not adhere to the playbook, then where would we be?

Just something to think about, and another possibly vain attempt to stir this pot of controversy. I am unashamedly in favour of traditional procreational sex. How about you?

Pornography #atozchallenge

 

 



 

 

 

"When I first heard the term 'blue movies', I didn’t know what it meant. I had no idea what they were, but I did know that they were films which women and children did not watch. They provided entertainment for men in converted garages who drank cases of beer as they laughed lustily and conspiratorially. I learned that women disproved of this activity but tolerated it in order to keep the peace. They accepted the necessity of men amusing themselves with the exploitation of women, and they endured it through gritted teeth with a world weary resignation.

That my father had a stash of strange smelling magazines in the bottom of his wardrobe was a curiosity to me: black and white images of nakedness which neither aroused me or repulsed me, but merely interested me. I didn’t understand sex when I began to furtively peruse those magazines, did not even know what the titles Ribald and Bawdy meant. I had no idea why people took their clothes off and allowed themselves to be photographed in strange positions, connecting to each other awkwardly. I read the accompanying stories without understanding."

Lovesick chapter 12

 "Nobody was directing my course in matters of sexuality. My dad was more absent than present, and his best example of manhood was his affection for pornography, carousing and late night boozing. I heard about most of that from loud conversations between my mother and father whenever he arrived home at some ridiculous time of the morning. I figured out that was what men did, and how women reacted to it. They complained but they had to endure it because that’s the way men were. That’s where it went wrong. That’s when I saw male female roles demonstrated in stark and confronting technicolour."

Lovesick chapter 20

For those of you who think pornography is harmless and even helpful in some cases, you are wrong. The size and profitability of the sex industry is a damning testimony of fallen humanity. Society's obsession with sex is a cancer. What God created as an expression of love and intimacy, has become so twisted it is barely recognizable as the beautiful thing He intended it to be.

 

Think pornography is okay? Think again.

 

 

 

  

Eros #atozchallenge

"‘Kiss me again,’ she whispers, and I willingly oblige.

This time there is no hesitation, uncertainty has evaporated in the heat of our passion. I open my mouth slightly, and she responds in kind. It is the most exhilarating kiss I can remember, and I want it to last for ever. Our bodies gravitate closer, magnetized by mutual desire. Chao-xing’s leg swings across my lap, and she sits astride me, pressing herself against me, grinding her hips. The kissing is frantic now, and I am ready to explode. Forgetting where we are, we grab and paw at each other, searching desperately to satisfy our lust.

Suddenly it stops, and Chao-xing throws herself off me, springing like a startled cat.

‘Oh my God!’ she gushes. ‘What are we doing?’"

Lovesick chapter 8

In Greek mythology, Eros is the god of love, or the god of sexual attraction and desire. Which is it? Eros is a kind of love, but there is more to love than sexual attraction and desire. From Eros we derive the word erotic which is an adjective meaning ‘relating to and tending to arouse sexual desire or excitement.’ How does that differ from pornography? I’ll talk about that when I get to P, but suffice to say the line between the two is very, very fine, and is drawn in different places.

The world is obsessed with sex. It is the most beautiful of God’s gifts to humanity, and commensurately, the one most abused and perverted. Eros dominates many relationships, and this is one reason why there are so many people getting hurt.

In Lovesick, Angus infatuation with sexual satisfaction, his worship of Eros, destroyed both his life and his wife’s. If Eros is your god, you are in deep doo doo, whether you know it or not. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.

When does erotica become pornography? Or are the same thing?

S is for Sex Workers

S is for Sex Workers

“ ‘These boat people are going to destroy this government. And I am going to destroy myself.’

‘What say, darling?’

Amy, like most of her imported associates in the sex industry, spoke just enough English to do her job: to satisfy her clients. For small talk, or God forbid a decent conversation, Wittaya would have to go to another bordello where Australian girls worked. The problem with Australian girls was that most of them did not smell as nice. Not their hair not their skin. Neither were they as soft and smooth, nor as genteel. For proper social discourse before, during or after sexual intercourse, he would have to put up with hair which smelled like cigarette smoke and leg stubble. They all shaved their pubic hair these days as well and pierced themselves. Navels were one thing, but the labia and clitoris? He shuddered. None of these women who sold their bodies to him for an hour were even remotely close to the perfection he knew he would never find. But he had needs, and this was uncomplicated: an anatomical transaction between consenting adults.” 

from chapter 8, Ashmore Grief

I have become increasingly ambivalent about the sex industry over the years. There are elements of it which I find abominable and disgusting. Most of what passes for fun, I find at best distasteful and at worst sickening: toys, fetishes and orgies strike me as inventions of the Devil, wicked distortions of the beauty of sex. I cannot stand sexual violence to the point that I skip sections of books which describe such practices, or fast forward movie scenes, or at least avert my eyes. There is a lot of evil in the sex industry. Aside from unmentionable sex crimes, perhaps the worst sin is the exploitation of the weak and powerless, including human trafficking. I really hate all these things.

However, I cannot rouse any such antipathy for a business transaction between consenting and respectful adults whereby a client pays for sex. If a woman chooses to sell her body for financial benefit, then isn’t that her own business? Why should the provision of sexual services be stigmatized? What is the big deal if a relaxing massage includes what is colloquially known as a hand job? Is it a crime or a mortal sin for a man to pay for sex with a stranger if his wife will not make love with him?

I accept the moral, and some would say conservative ideal that is one man and one woman within the context of marriage, but...life is not that simple. Is the oldest profession in the world, a legitimate occupation? I think so. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Photo source

http://nothing-about-us-without-us.com/be-wise-decriminalise-letter-writing-campaign/

Better Than Sex

It's a throwaway line that people use to describe something, usually an experience, which is so good, that it exceeds the standard of awesomeness established by sex. (Debatable as that may be to some people.)

I recently spent a furious hour or so working on my next novel. During that time I forgot myself completely. I was so engrossed and energized, that time evaporated. Nothing else existed except the drama I was creating in my mind and transferring to the page. When I finished I was intensely satisifed with my work. It was not a one off experience. Writing always slakes my thirst. That's why I do it.

I got to thinking about other times when I lose myself in the moment. When the world fades away, and there are neither past recollections nor future considerations nagging my thoughts.

Here then, in no particular order, and by no means exhaustively stated, are  five "lose myself in the moment" activities.

1. Laughter
2. An extreme fairground ride, like  Superman Escapes.
3. Worship
4. Writing
5. Sex

What things or activities make you forget yourself and all your worries?

photograph sources
www.rollercoaster.com.au
www.gdayindia.com.au
http://pleasantvalleyalive.org/wp/?p=1297

S is for Sex

““Would you like a written invitation?”

David smiled and pulled her close. “Can you feel my acceptance?”

 
Julia nodded then led David to the master bedroom. They stood at the foot of the bed and kissed until everything blurred. There was heavy breathing, buttons and zippers opening. It was wet and hot. It was soft. He was hard. They fell onto the bed and grappled, feeding on each other’s flesh. There was moaning and sighing. Julia’s hair swept his face followed by her breasts. She was on top of him, then underneath, then beside him. It was quick, hurried and desperate. She whispered his name. He shuddered and then it was over.”

-Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 17

I was surprised when I re read some of the scenes in Loathe Your Neighbor. I was amazed at how graphic they were. Keep your pants on, I’m not talking 50 Shades here, or anything which would even remotely qualify as erotica, but I do describe sexual activity. In my first novel, I only made allusions to sex. I’ll be honest and say that writing the sex scenes in Loathe Your Neighbor was enjoyable even though I would much rather have sex than write about it, or even watch if for that matter. I have been married for 20 years, and suffice to say, the bedroom action at my place has waned a little over the years, courtesy mainly of my wife’s lack of interest. Don’t get upset. She would readily admit to that. It’s a shame but it happens. I don’t really see why a person’s libido should falter as they age as it seems to, and for women more often, generally speaking, than for men. And with that I conclude my little ramble about me writing sex scenes whilst wishing I was having sex instead. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

 

L is for Lascivious

“David watched Lilijana slip out of her party dress and admired her figure. She had given birth to three children and you could tell. It was not the body of the Lilijana he had married ten years ago, but it was a beautiful body nonetheless.

“Stop staring at me,” she protested.

“You’re beautiful.”

“You’re drunk and I’m tired.”

There it was: the phrase of death for his exasperated libido.” 

-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch.2

L is also for Lilijana Lavender, married to David in Loathe Your Neighbor and only infrequently interested in sex. David on the other hand, like many men, is almost always interested in sex. He would prefer to make love with Liijana but due to her lack of desire he finds himself typically in a state of non reciprocated arousal. What is a man to do with an unsated appetite? His mind wanders and if it wanders often enough, and far enough away then more than likely his body will follow. When he sees an attractive woman and imagines having sex with her, is it lust? Are his lascivious thoughts a violation of the woman? Is he simply unable to control the urge to satisfy himself? Yes, yes, and yes. Does he wish more than anything else that his wife was meeting this need that he has? Does every woman whom he objectifies represent a cheap substitute? Does he feel guilty for using women this way? Yes, yes, and yes.

I remember the first time I heard the word lascivious. It was used in conjunction with another excellent word: concupiscence. The context was a lecture about sexuality and sexual purity. Both of the words carry very negative connotations. In fact the lecturer added to the dictionary definition of lascivious by saying that it was the stirring of a strong desire which could not be satisfied in a moral way. The only means by which a man can righteously dispose of his seed and slake his sexual thirst, is with his wife. I think that is an excellent ideal. A noble assertion. A worthy pursuit. However, sex has become so distorted, so twisted away from the beautiful intentions of its inventor, it is rare for such purity to be maintained. Should we then abandon the pursuit of what is good and right because it is difficult or costly? Of course not. Sex is a good thing which we #@*$ up, pardon the pun.