Snake Oil: Two monumental lies

I believed two lies which informed my life practice for decades, underpinning every decision I made. I learned these things indirectly, by observation and experience, and in the case of one of them, I was so deceived that I didn't even realize I was enslaved to a false and harmful philosophy. Both parsimony and lasciviousness ruled me as secret tyrants.

While these powerful, yet hidden lessons controlled me, I proclaimed my normalcy. It is not an unusual thing for a man to be careful with money, especially if he has a family to support. Saying no is a crucial sign of strength. It is also quite normal for a man to be frequently having inappropriate thoughts of a sexual nature, and even acting out these thoughts in some way. Saying yes is a crucial sign of strength. I learned these things from my father.

1. A man is not generous. He is stingy and controlling.
2. A woman is a thing for a man's pleasure. In sexual matters, a man does not deny himself, and women should accept that.

To be fair, Dad improved with age. he mellowed and became a better man. When he died, I lost one of my best friends. I still miss him and the great friendship we built over my lifetime, through many challenges. But dad taught me to be mean with money and to objectify women. 

I believe I was in my forties when I read this verse in the Bible: "One gives freely, yet grows all the richer, another withholds what he should give and only suffers want." (Proverbs 11:24)  I had considered myself a good steward of money, prudent and sensible, but upon reading this verse God told me I was stingy. I have been working on becoming more generous ever since.

In 2015 with my marriage over, partially as a result of infidelity on my part, I was sitting in church when an ad popped up on the big screen during the announcements segment. Upon hearing that this course, called Valiant Man, was about sexual discipleship, I felt God wanted me to do it. The course switched the lights on, exposing my slavery to the god of sex, and ever since I have been working on becoming a better man, a purer man, an honorable man who respects women.

One of the things I learned in the course was the value of emotional honesty and humility. Recognizing my behaviour in the arenas of 
money and sex, I had to admit I was a long way short of where I wanted to be. I wanted to understand myself and I wanted to change. I wanted, and I still want truth to change me.

In the individualistic and hyper-eroticized West, money and sex have become weaponized commodities. The great lie is that this is okay. This is the lie I believed most of my life because my father lived it out in front of me. I swallowed the snake oil, but I didn't know any better, nor did he. Now I've spat it out and rejected the lie.

Snake Oil: Loose with the truth

Facebook posts ads on our walls based on our previous searches, likes and other interactions. I get a lot of advertising for flights and holidays because I've traveled quite a lot over the past couple of years. Jetstar has frequent sales and they target me for trips to Vietnam. The advertised prices are ridiculously low, and as it always turns out, the flights are only available on a very limited number of specific days...or perhaps not at all, as I've discovered sometimes.

I do online surveys, and have done for some time. I earn points and redeem the points for Paypal dollars with which I buy books. It's a sweet little pocket money generator. Facebook started hitting me with ads for another online survey mob called Surveyworld. The thing is they didn't advertise themselves as an online survey company. They were looking for males in my age group to test products. (Wow! How did they know my age?) I clicked the link and was forced to join an online survey company. There was nothing on their website or in the flood of emails which followed about product testing.When I could not unsubscribe, I had to block the address.

A final example involves an immigration agency which advertised free consultations with their lawyers. It was free until they actually connected me to a lawyer and then they dropped the fee on me. I declined and told them their advertising was dishonest.

Having won the lucrative broadcasting rights from Channel 9, Channel 7 has boasted of being Australia's home of cricket. Australia's old home of cricket-the only one I'd ever known- used to show all the international cricket matches in the Australian domestic season. The new home of cricket only shows test matches. It also purports to be the home of the very popular big bash T20 league (now in its ninth series), but it doesn't show all the games. This is advertising; the false or only partially true claims of those trying to sell us something.

Television programs are always promising the best of everything;

the scariest, the funniest, the most exciting or entertaining. The word 'ever' has suffered a thousand deaths and still suffers abuse as a zombie adverb.

That advertisers and television promoters at best exaggerate and at worst lie about what they are offering is a given. We know that. However, people are loose with the truth as well, and sadly we expect that now. We hope people tell the truth but often suspect they aren't.

Is it any wonder that truth is now so flexible? So situational? So relative? Why are we surprised by this prevailing lack of honesty when we are surrounded by lies in the media, both the terminally ill traditional media, and surging social media. Most thinking people have a default doubt setting nowadays.

I rang the ATO to tell them I had mistakenly received thousands of dollars. They were shocked and promised to investigate. Nearly four months down the track nothing has happened. The same government department took money off me every fortnight for nine months before admitting the error and assuring me they would return my money within four weeks. That was in November. Guess what? I'm still waiting. When I switched to Dodo mobile they promised me 'all systems go' no more than three days after I activated my SIM. Two weeks later, I finally had a fully operational handset.

I could go on with many more examples, but I trust I've made my point. I want to be believe everyone who tells me something, but I can't. I want my default setting to be trust, but I know that will likely only hurt me.

It's very sad that the concept of relative truth is so entrenched in our thinking. In the 21st century, most people echo Pontius Pilate's famous 1st century words. On the day he was crucified, Jesus challenged Pilate to accept the truth of what he was saying and who he was. Pilate's answer: "What is truth?"

Well? What's your answer?

Confession #atozchallenge

"Cassy remained motionless, her lips barely moving. Angus thought it best to leave her to sleep, but he answered her question. She replied that she was cold. Angus grabbed another blanket for her and gently draped it over the pre-existing mountain. He leant close to kiss her and was suddenly choked by emotion. Lingering with his lips on her forehead, he surrendered to the surge of tears. Leaving immediately might have saved him, but he stayed, and Cassy was roused from her half slumber by his obvious distress.

‘What’s wrong?’

A simple question became a watershed moment in his life. Angus could deny and escape or he could tell her. Tell her what though? Confess? Was he going to confess? How?

More alert now and sensing the seriousness of the moment, Cassy opened her eyes and again asked him why he was crying. Pressure mounted in his head. Words drowned in tears.

‘Angus?’

‘I have something to tell you.’"

chapter 29, Lovesick

 

It is often said that honesty is the best policy, yet everyone knows there are times when this is not true. Times when the truth may do more harm than good. We all lie. Sometimes we choose to lie, sometimes because we feel we have to lie, other times because we want to. The lie may be to protect someone. It may be easier. It may be an automatic reaction if we are worried about the consequences of telling the truth.

Keeping secrets is a form of lying. It is deception, and yet we all have secrets. Not every person we know, knows everything about us, nor do we know all there is to know about them. Such knowledge may be undesirable anyway. Lies may be necessary to guard secrets. Lies may need to be told to support other lies.

Dishonesty is a heavy load to bear, and sometimes people chose to confess rather than be found out. They say confession is good for the soul. Would it have been worse for Cassy to learn Angus' secret from someone else? Could Angus have continued indefinitely with his deception? The confession may have been a shock, but it was necessary...or was it?

When have you confessed a lie or a secret? How long did you hold on to it? How was it received? How did you feel after confessing?

Q is for Questions

““Option three?” pleaded David as he watched the congregation break into conversation cliques.

 “Option three,” said John with a disturbing tone of reluctance, “is the worst option.” “Uh-huh,” said David with half an eye on the people pushing through the doors into the foyer. If anyone recognized him they would come straight over and he would have to wait to hear about option three. He hoped John could hear the urgency in his voice. “What is it?”

-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch.8

Some questions should never be asked because the answers will not be pleasant for, or even acceptable to the asker. Some questions should not be asked because they cannot be answered. Some questions should not be asked because the questions themselves may cause embarrassment. Some questions should not be answered truthfully for the same reason, and not only because of embarrassment but also potential hurt, emotional pain. You seriously have to challenge the adage honesty is the best policy, or at least modify it by adding the words in most circumstances. If you’ve seen the film The Invention of Lying or even Liar, Liar (an admittedly less profound example), or if you have been alive for at least 12 years or so, then you know how damaging the truth can be, and how unloving it can be. I used to hate the term white lie when I saw the world in more black and white terms. It seemed like a cop out: another example of the relative morality so prevalent in the world today. The truth is that love is more important than honesty, and wise people do not ask questions when they are not fully prepared for the answers. The answer to the question, “Do I look fat in this?” is always an emphatic no regardless of the truth. The answer to the question “Are you having an affair?” is up to you. How honest are you? How loving are you?

Taxing my Patience

Not too long ago, the majority of people, according to the ubiquitous and irritating polls, accepted climate change (formerly known as global warming which is a discredited term), and the need to do something about it.

Now that the government has released the details of its temporary carbon tax, and may I emphasize the word temporary because it is a precursor to a market based emissions trading scheme, nobody wants to pay for it.

For those of us in the minority who will not receive compensation, the imposition will be around $400 per annum. I will have to sell my car to pay for that, won't I?

The rubbish and lies being flung about the place these days are driving me insane. Don't get me started. I just want to say three quick things.

First, I am a climate change skeptic but I am not against reducing pollution. Asking ridiculous questions about the exact temperature drop which will result from the carbon tax in forty years time is not helpful to the discussion. Nor are tongue in cheek references to taxing volcanoes. Second, Australia is not going out on its own with a carbon tax. That is wrong. Other countries have had carbon taxes for years. Third, Julia Gillard lied about the carbon tax. Big deal! Politicans lie frequently. Either directly or by diversion, obsfucation or omission. Sometimes they just change their minds. God forbid. Twenty odd years ago, I didn't want to ever own a house, nor did I want to finish high school. I didn't see value in those things at the time. Surprise, surprise, now I do.

Stop whining about the lie about the carbon tax. Stop whining about the tax. Stop whining Australia. Just lay back, close your eyes and I promise you won't feel a thing.

Straight Shooting

I am embarrassed sometimes when I hear our political leaders speak. In fact, I don't think many of them deserve to be called leaders. Let's just call them politicians and we all know what politicians are like, don't we? What a tragedy that we live in a country where we don't believe what our politicians say. What a shame that we laughingly accept truisms like, all politicians lie and break promises. They can't even lie straight in bed. Not only do they lie and say whatever is politically expedient at the time, but they can't even do it convincingly. If you expect an honest, direct answer to a question, then you are dreaming, living in a fantasy world where politicians say what they mean, and mean what they say.

I know that not all of the current crop of politicians are crooked doublespeakers, and I also know that many who come across that way, are probably different in private. They may well be honest, passionate people who ooze integrity but I want to see those qualities in their public life. I want leaders who are not allergic to straight answers, not afraid to say what they think, and who actually act instead of mouthing empty rhetoric.

With incessant and totally justified bagging of our politicians a completely normal, and totally acceptable national pastime, I want to break away and offer some praise. This week, two men stood tall. Take a bow, Federal Minister for Defence, Stephen Smith, and NSW Minister for Roads, Duncan Gay.

Leaving aside the issue of the secret filming and broadcasting of some horizontal folk dancing by an army cadet, I want to rap Stephen Smith for speaking very strongly against how the Australian Defence Force Academy (ADFA) is handling the matter. Until his intervention, the decision by the female cadet at the centre of the maelstrom to go public had left her bullied and isolated without any offer of counselling, and under implied orders from her superiors that she would have to apologize publicly to her fellow cadets for embarrassing them. She was then hauled before a disciplinary committee on unrelated charges. Mr Smith described the decision to conduct her hearing at this time as either inappropriate, insensitive or completely stupid. Yes, he used the words completely stupid. Bravo! Furthermore, he refused to give his support to the ADFA Commandant. Full marks for straight shooting and direct intervention.

Newly appointed Minister for Roads, Duncan Gay, was interviewed on radio during the the week in relation to the government's plan to audit the state's fixed speed cameras. In response to public concerns that speed cameras are revenue raisers and not safety devices, the government wants to know factually, whether or not fixed speed cameras have reduced accident rates. People feel that many of the fixed cameras are simply in place to raise money by catching drivers unawares in tricky locations, for example, the bottom of hills, around bends or in multiple speed zones. Said Duncan Gay, 'it's hard to argue against that, and that's why we are independently auditing the system' He also said that having marked police cars on our roads was in many instances a much more acceptable option. Common sense and genuine empathy with the public? Minister Gay sounds like a representative of the people. Hats off to you sir.

The Necessity of Lies

In the Ricky Gervais film, The Invention of Lying, nobody in the whole world tells lies. They don't even know what a lie is. There is no word for truth because truth can only be defined in relation to its opposite. There is no trickery, no deception, no falsehood, no pretense and no fiction.

Imagine such a world where advertising is factual and straightforward. The slogan for Pepsi is: when they don't have Coke. Visualize a world where there are no movies other than historical documentaries made by the Lecture film company, and read to camera by serious academic looking types. Think of a world where people are offended, wounded and humiliated on a daily basis because of the dearth of sensitivity and tact. Put yourself in a world where everybody says exactly what's on their mind whenever they want to. Where truth is the only option. Anybody want to live there?

Truth is upheld by most people, in most societies, as a quality of infinite worth. It is to be cherished and treasured, honored and protected. However, there is nowhere on earth like the fictional town in The Invention of Lying where there is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The people there are uncreative, motivated by pure selfishness, and are without hope because there is only absolute truth.

When Ricky Gervais' character lies to his mother about the after life in order to comfort her on her death bed, she dies in peace. Her fear disappears and she fades blissfully into eternity. When news of this lie spreads from the hospital to the whole town and then to the whole world, it's a mind blowing revelation which shows us how desperate people are for hope. They latch on to the lie about a wonderful afterlife and hold it tight because it's a beautiful lie. It gives them hope and makes them happy.

The Invention of Lying is a very funny film, but it is also very profound. A world without lies would be horrible but a world without truth would be equally bad. A can of worms has now been opened. When is a lie okay or even necessary? When is it vital? And if truth is absolute then how can we draw lines of relativity in the sand, and allow everyone to decide for themselves when truth should be used? How can we safely allow the selective application of such a powerful instrument? Is truth a healing balm or a hammer?

Does anyone see a problem here?