Celebrate the small things: Flattery might get you somewhere.

Unfortunately flattery has a bad reputation. It is seen as disingenuous and manipulative, even though it works sometimes. Using words of praise merely in order to get something from someone is morally questionable, but most people do it, or have done it. Although I belong in that group called 'most people', more often than not I use complimentary words to encourage people and to express genuine feeling.

When I tell my partner I think she looks beautiful, I mean it. Despite what she thinks of herself, she is beautiful to me and I tell her so. Everyone likes to receive compliments, and words of praise and gratitude. Words are much more powerful than most people realize. The only danger with compliments is that they can be unhelpful: just as damaging, potentially, as insults.

Both compliments and insults can distort our view of self. They can disguise lies as truth. We need to know ourselves and ensure we are honest and humble about who we are, what kind of people we are.

This week I gave my class an opportunity to express their opinion of their English course; the course, the school, the management, the facilities and naturally, the teacher. It was a writing assessment. They do one every week. I advised them to be honest and to use this as an opportunity to express any feelings they had, either good or bad. I also told them they would not receive lower grades for negative opinions or criticism.

The results were very illuminating. Some of their concerns I knew about, others I did not. Pleasing personally was the fact they were highly complimentary of me: both my personality and my methods. Earlier the same day, one of the senior managers popped in to see me, and he too was full of praise for the work I have been doing for the school since I started back in August.

I received all this praise, safe in the knowledge there is much upon which I can improve. Words of praise are certainly nice and encouraging and I am thankful for them, but I know myself. I know who I am, and I always carefully reflect on and evaluate my performance as a teacher. Self awareness and humility are crucial human faculties.

Flatter me or insult me: I know who I am. I know the truth about myself, and I am thankful for that.

Is honesty really the best policy?

I watched The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds again last night. I really enjoyed it and it got me thinking about truth, and the infamous adage that honesty is the best policy.

Bullock's character, Margaret, blackmails her assistant, Andrew, into marrying her so that she can avoid deportation to Canada. She almost goes through with wedding until a last minute attack of the guilts prompts a confession from the altar. Having agreed to get married and then get a quickie divorce, and thus maintain the secret reason for the marriage from Andrew's family, Margaret falls victim to love. Her admission of the farce of their engagement and impending nuptials, and her subsequent refusal to go through with the ceremony hurts and shocks everyone. She feels that because Andrew's family have all been so good to her, it would be wrong to deceive them so she tells the truth.

It might have been much easier on the family if she had have kept her mouth shut and gone through with it. But there's no drama there, right? Every film needs that moment, especially rom coms, when all is lost and it seems that the protagonists are not going to be together.

People talk about loving and valuing honesty, but most of us, I suspect have been burned by truth at least once in our lives.We are, to varying degrees, afraid of it, because we recognize its power. Being honest and open can be very risky because it leaves us vulnerable to pain. Truth can be weaponised and used to hurt people. Truth can be used against us by others, and misused by ourselves. Truth can be very dangerous.

At the end of The Proposal (spoiler alert) truth was what opened the way for Margaret and Andrew to be together. They were able to admit and accept how they each felt about the other. If we want intimacy we must have honesty, but because honesty can cause us pain, it must be mastered by love.

Q is for Questions

““Option three?” pleaded David as he watched the congregation break into conversation cliques.

 “Option three,” said John with a disturbing tone of reluctance, “is the worst option.” “Uh-huh,” said David with half an eye on the people pushing through the doors into the foyer. If anyone recognized him they would come straight over and he would have to wait to hear about option three. He hoped John could hear the urgency in his voice. “What is it?”

-          Loathe Your Neighbor ch.8

Some questions should never be asked because the answers will not be pleasant for, or even acceptable to the asker. Some questions should not be asked because they cannot be answered. Some questions should not be asked because the questions themselves may cause embarrassment. Some questions should not be answered truthfully for the same reason, and not only because of embarrassment but also potential hurt, emotional pain. You seriously have to challenge the adage honesty is the best policy, or at least modify it by adding the words in most circumstances. If you’ve seen the film The Invention of Lying or even Liar, Liar (an admittedly less profound example), or if you have been alive for at least 12 years or so, then you know how damaging the truth can be, and how unloving it can be. I used to hate the term white lie when I saw the world in more black and white terms. It seemed like a cop out: another example of the relative morality so prevalent in the world today. The truth is that love is more important than honesty, and wise people do not ask questions when they are not fully prepared for the answers. The answer to the question, “Do I look fat in this?” is always an emphatic no regardless of the truth. The answer to the question “Are you having an affair?” is up to you. How honest are you? How loving are you?

How Low Can We Go?

I discovered an unknown direct debit coming out of my wife's bank account so I called the bank to check it out but they wouldn't talk to me because I am not the account holder. I explained the problem knowing full well that the person to whom I was speaking would probably not help me. I was right. Even on a hypothetical question, this guy stuck to the company line. I called a second time and spoke to someone else who was more helpful although likewise unwilling to actually do anything. Customer service person number one even threatened me by mentioning the law and the fact that if he knew the account number and password, he would put a stop on the account to prevent me accessing my wife's information.

I understand the rationale behind this policy. Stringent privacy provisions are needed to protect people. I might be trying to steal from my wife, or gain some advantage over her by accessing her financial details. I could be doing something wrong and potentially harmful to her. The person on the phone doesn't know me from a bar of soap. Just because I say that I have my wife's permission to access her account, doesn't mean, from their point of view, that I do.

Because some people lie, everyone is a potential liar. This is the world we live in. The default position is mistrust. My word counts for nothing with strangers because of all the people who can't be believed. Honesty surprises us because dishonesty has become so acceptable. We all say tsk tsk, what a shame, most people are good but the few rotten apples spoil the basket. The problem is that we are all living under the rules and regulations foisted upon us by those trying to protect us from the rotten apples. A worse problem is that we are all rotten apples but we keep pretending we are not. We tell ourselves we are the good guys and we sit around lamenting the tragic decline of standards in our communities but we have contributed to that degeneration, either by our actions or our inaction.

Imagine a world where people could trust each other. No need to lock the car or the house. People would be respectful and polite. No one would be self serving. Our teenagers wouldn't be having sex and getting drunk, and killing themselves by driving their cars too fast. No one would be trying to rip anybody off. Money wouldn't dictate what can be done and what can't be done.

If you think all this sounds too fanciful, too utopian, if you want to call me an idealist then go ahead but know this: such criticism implies that you have given up and accepted the new norm, the new low standards. If you are willing to keep on lowering the bar just to keep people happy, consider the end result of such thinking. Consider the future we are heading for if this slide continues. Everyone else is doing it, is not a statement of tolerance, it's an admission of weakness and defeat. We should keep fighting.

The Need for God

There are numerous misconceptions about Christianity which are held to with religious fervour by members of society. One popular view sees Christianity as a set of restrictive rules and regulations presided over by a cosmic killjoy. In another, a person says they are a Christian because they try to do what is right, and not hurt people. Both of these views should be completely rejected as false by Christians.

Recently I heard a new and interesting theory on what constitutes religion. This young lady, a lapsed Roman Catholic, said to me she believed she was religious, or even Christian in her case, because she sinned and religion depends on sin. She reasoned that if she was not committing any sin, she would have no need to confess and therefore no need of religion.

I told her that I believe religion is based on need and to suit my purpose here, I am referring to both good and bad religion (Jesus talked quite clearly about both). Men have always looked to something or someone bigger and more powerful than themselves for answers, for meaning and direction in their lives. Honest men have always felt and still do feel, overwhelmed at times by the the enormity and complexity of the world around them, and the various problems which have faced them.

Only when a person hits rock bottom, when everything else they have is stripped of value, when they feel lost and realize their desperate need for salvation, will they look up and see their Saviour: Jesus Christ.

I'm not telling you that you have to become a Christian, even though I would like you to, but I am asking you to accept the facts about Christianity. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. Christianity is about God's plan to fix this messed up world which is full of broken people. Jesus said that he is the way, the truth and the life and no one comes to the Father except through him. Christianity is about God reaching out to us and saving us from our pride fuelled self destruction. Christianity is all about Jesus Christ and everyone needs a saviour.