relationDips: unpalatable and indigestible

Informally, we might use the word 'yuk' to describe such food which we don't like. We don't though. 'yuk' or 'yukky' tend to be used by children as adults have developed more sophisticated ways of saying they don't like or even can't eat certain foods. Imagine a five year old, sitting at the dining table, staring at a few florets of broccoli, saying, 'Mother, I'm afraid I find these particular vegetables unpalatable and indigestible.'

                                                                    photo source

I think some foods are yuk. Some of the dishes presented to me by my wife aren't appealing at all. Okra for example, is a vegetable I have tried to acquire a taste for but I can't get past the slimy texture. Certain other Asian greens taste okay but require exhaustive chewing to get value from them, and even then there is indigestible refuse to eject. I have a thing about having to put my fingers in my mouth while I'm eating, or having to spit things out. Nothing destroys my enjoyment of a meal like a fish bone jamming itself in my gum. I used to not eat cherries because I wanted fruit to put in my mouth, chew and swallow. I didn't want to have to negotiate a stone, then spit it out once I'd stripped the sweet flesh which surrounds it.

Eating shouldn't be hard work. There's usually enough hard work in the preparation, and the after meal cleaning. For me, eating is the part of the process which is enjoyable, or should be. Even if the food isn't great which is usually the case when I cook, the sitting down and eating should provide sensorial pleasure, and it should be relaxing. I don't enjoy cooking or cleaning, although I do find a certain satisfaction in those tasks. Eating is what I like.

There is something I like more than eating, from which I derive greater satisfaction, but even then not all elements of the procedure are equally enjoyable or rewarding. I love writing, but I don't love trying to find publishers or marketing. I love writing this blog. I've been doing it for 12 years, but thanks to Blogger's decision to change its interface, I'm no longer happy with the process. The writing is great. Adding photos and publishing? Not so great any more. I can write a short story of around 2000 words in a couple of hours. I'll usually spend an hour or so editing it, but then I can spend another hour or more sometimes trying to find a market for the story. After submitting it, I'll have to wait (sometimes forever), for a yes or no. If it's a no, I'll find another publisher and send it again. That isn't fun, but it's a part of the process. I wrote the first draft of my memoir in about six months. It's taken another twelve months after that to get it ready for publication and I can't tell you how many hours I've spent on various marketing endeavours. It will be available from November 22. You can visit the page here. 

There are elements of eating and writing which I don't enjoy, on both the consumption and production side. I don't stop eating after I've had a bad meal (unless it was so bad it made me sick and I couldn't eat for a while). Neither do I stop cooking just because I don't like it, can't be bothered, or I've cooked something inedible. (Ask my children about my lemon chicken.) I don't stop writing because my work doesn't sell well, or because I get a long list of rejections; or even because, again, it's too hard or I don't feel like it. I've read some rubbish books but that's never stopped me reading, and I continue to read experimentally, checking our different genres and authors.

None of these negatives put me off doing things I love doing because in my mind it's worth a bit of pain of discomfort to achieve pleasure and satisfaction. Most people have this attitude to things they care about it, and relationships are no different.

If your expectations meter is set to realistic, you know life isn't all strawberries and butterflies. You understand that weeds grow in your garden faster than roses and that if you don't get rid of the weeds and look after your roses, your garden will be 'unpalatable and indigestible.'

Whatever metaphor you want to use, the point is that good relationships require hard work, and if you're going to do your part, you'll need to push through the unpleasant parts while still giving them your best efforts. If I want to cook a horrible meal, I can avoid fresh ingredients and ignore the recipe. If I don't want anyone to read my work, I won't waste time refining and polishing the manuscript, then trying to marketing it. If I want an unhealthy relationship with my wife, I can easily achieve that by giving up. I can pick out all the unpleasant or unacceptable parts of the marriage and focus on them, using them as excuses for not working hard to make my marriage successful. The 'too hard basket' is always an option for those who lack courage.

The thing is, I want to eat healthy, tasty meals, I want to read inspiring, fascinating books, and I want to write books and stories which move people.  All of this requires effort on my part and it won't always be fun. And more than any of that, I want the best marriage I can possibly have. Loving my wife means I need to make an effort. My relationship with her is more important than food or books. She's not food which I can spit out or throw away. She's not a book I can put back on the shelf, then choose another. She's a person who needs me to love her unconditionally and consistently, to respect her, and to make her feel safe.

Perhaps if people took their relationships as seriously as they did their jobs, hobbies, and other passions, we'd have less broken relationships.

The Mirror: Three wives

In a the King of Queens episode I was watching at the today, Doug finds himself with three 'wives'. His actual wife, Carrie, is very busy, consumed in fact, with a work project. Her spending so much time working, even though she's at home, causes Doug to feel a neglected. (Red flag number 1)

The lady who walks their dog needs a place to stay because she has been kicked out of her apartment. Carrie's father, who lives with Doug and Carrie, says she can stay with him in the basement. No hanky panky he says. 

Doug dreads having to have breakfast with this woman, Holly, because he doesn't really know her and he thinks it will be awkward. That changes when she laughs at a story he tells her: the same story he told Carrie the previous day. She didn't laugh, and in fact, was reluctant to let him even tell the story because she was so busy. (Red flag number 2)

It turns out Holly loves to cook, and we know Doug loves to eat. She caters to his every foodie desire and he comes to think of her as his downstairs wife, while Carrie who is always working upstairs becomes his...you guessed it: his upstairs wife. When Carrie needs a break because she's stressed out, she wants to have sex. So Doug gets sex from his upstairs wife, and food and attention from his downstairs wife.

He meets wife number three through a friend of his, and she can get him the best seats at the ice hockey game. She can also get him access to the players. (Red flag number 3)

Now Doug has his three most important needs - sex, food, and sport - taken care of by three different women. Naturally he boasts to his friends about this sweet set up. Two of them are jealous and one is mortified. (Red flag number 4)

Whenever this arrangement is threatened, he manipulates the women to maintain the status quo. (that's number 5)

King of Queens is a comedy. The sum of the aforementioned red flags is decidedly unfunny. If you are a man and you enjoy this kind of fantasy, you won't like what comes next. If you are a woman who doesn't think men entertain such fantasies, you may also not like what comes next.

1. A man who feels neglected by his wife will become resentful.
2. An attractive (in any way, not just physically) woman who enters his orbit at this time will become the object of fantasy.
3. If this woman meets any of his needs, he will begin to attach to her emotionally.
4. The man will convince himself that what he is doing is okay, and most of his friends will agree.
5. This man will begin to lie, and practice deception and manipulation in order to keep getting what he wants.

In case you think I'm preaching, I know these things are true from personal experience. I was surprised at my reaction to this episode. Twelve months ago, I wouldn't have written this post. It would not have even occurred to me. Looks like I'm making progress...thank God.

I forget to mention how this scenario ends in real life. It ends badly with pain and lots of it.

A Dog's Eye: detach/deconstruct

Once upon a time I had a wife, a steady job, a mortgage: a settled life. I was busy with family, friends, church and work, but not too busy to enjoy sufficient 'recharge' time alone. I felt somewhat in control of my life. I worked hard to control everything I could. I had plans. I had direction. I knew what I was doing and where I was going. I owned furniture, and lots of other stuff. I had a couple of dogs. I was thankful...most of the time. I thought I was a pretty normal bloke with a normal life.

Somewhere along the way, through a twenty two year marriage, raising two awesome children, studying for a degree and then two post graduate qualifications, establishing myself as a professional language teacher, writing my first novel and having it published, growing as a person, trying to be the best husband, father and friend I could be...at some point in the journey I forgot to be grateful, and I allowed discontent to fester.

Four years after I left my wife, I am still suffering the repercussions of that choice. Since immediately after Easter, I have had no fixed address. Between house sitting gigs, I stay with a good friend of mine. I own no furniture. My possessions fit in my car, with room to spare. I'm in debt, and uncertain about the future. I know what I want, but I am relatively powerless to do anything to achieve it. I don't know when things will change, when my life will turn around. I feel unsettled, anxious, uncertain and at times a little fearful.

The house I'm staying in now is a beautiful family home. Although the dogs are good company, I'm alone, and looking at all the family photos reminds me of what I don't have. They are echoes of what I used to have, and what I wish to have once more. I'm experiencing loneliness like I never have before, and I'm aware of the lack of gratitude I feel: focusing on what I don't have, instead of what I do have. I recognize this attitude is partially what brought about my down fall, and the end of my 'normal' life.

To top it all off, I am one love sick puppy. This lady, who I believe will become my wife, is a genuine gift from God. A clever and independent woman with a strong mind and a soft heart.The right person for me. Exactly who I need, and consequently the woman with whom I want to share the rest of my life. We've been in a long distance relationship for three and a half months. It's a tough gig. We haven't seen each other for six weeks, but we are committed to each other and learning to be patient (me not her).

Through it all, I see God's hand: his mercy and grace. I feel his hands deconstructing me, ripping away my self reliance and my need to be in control. He's removing all my worldly attachments, burning away what I don't need. Teaching me to really trust him. Drawing me closer. Blessing me in spite of my resistance to change. In my struggle, I feel his strength being perfected in me.

I will choose gratitude every day. I will choose purity. I will choose integrity. My heart quavers, my stomach rumbles, and my mind wearies itself with the battle. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled, but I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and God is with me. I have the promises of God's word on which to stand, and I choose to stand. I choose life. I choose love. I choose hope.

Once upon a time I thought I knew stuff. I thought I was in control. I thought I was on the right path.

Glory to the God of endless second chances.

Nuptials and no balls #CTST

I love weddings. I'm divorced but that won't put me off marrying again when the time and the person is right. Last night, I was invited to a low key wedding dinner at Sky City. A student of mine and her long time boyfriend, decided on a registry marriage followed by a small celebratory dinner with a small group of friends. Both the bride and the groom have no family here in Darwin.

It was with great pleasure that I accepted the invitation to attend this celebration. This student started her English course on the same day that I started teaching at Australian Careers College which was August 8, 2016. I've come to think of her as my younger sister, and she considers me not just her teacher, but her friend. It's a good relationship and I was chuffed to be included in the nuptial dinner.

This week also saw the beginning of the Ashes series between Australia and England (that's cricket I'm talking about - and you know how much I love cricket.)

A happy week indeed. May the marriage I celebrated last until death they do part, and may the Aussies smash our oldest sporting enemy: England.

A belated Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends as well. How did you celebrate? How was the rest of your week?

* 'no balls' is a cricket term which I selected because it starts with the letter 'n'.

Joy #atozchallenge

“Weddings were for girls, the stuff of dreams and fairy tales. He just wanted to marry Cassy, so the details of the wedding did not concern him. If she was happy, he would be happy, and the planning stages brought her an unbridled joy which would only be matched by the occasion itself. Even the cost was not his concern as Cassy’s parents insisted on paying for everything. Their eldest daughter was getting married and they wanted it to be fantastic. They wanted to give Cassy whatever she desired and damn the expense which was fine with Angus.

The venue was Holy Trinity Garrison Church in Millers Point. Designed by Henry Ginn, and built in 1840 by Edward Flood, Garrison Church held its first wedding ceremony in 1843.

Cassy looked like a goddess in a silk wedding gown…”

Lovesick chapter 21

No two life events epitomize hope and pure joy more than a wedding and the birth of a healthy child. Most people dream of the moment they marry the love of their life and the enormity of making a lifelong commitment usually takes a backseat to the absolute thrill of the occasion, and the prospect of the wonderful adventure which lays ahead.

The wedding itself is a moment which seems to take forever to arrive, then passes too quickly. The promise of decades of joyful togetherness shines brighter than the sun. At my wedding, I was so happy, I forgot to enjoy myself, and although I remember the event only as a blurry instant, I have never forgotten the joy.

To those of you are approaching this momentous occasion, I wish you health and happiness, and to those who are married, I hope that joy still characterizes your union as it did on that brilliant day when you said, ‘I do.’

Share your wonderful wedding stories. 

Post Nuptial Assessment 5

I wonder if there would be less racists if more marriages were interracial.You may have a view on that. You may be one of those strange people who live in the global village of the 21st century yet still believe in the superiority of one race over another, or one of the moderately more understandable people who fear what they do not know or understand, and therefore avoid, denigrate and discriminate against those who are different.

What is the connection to my cousin's wedding? He and his new wife recently returned from their honeymoon in New York. Now there's a city which knows something of cultural diversity and yet within multicultural societies, like New York and Sydney, the seeds of xenophobia thrive. What can prevent the weed of racism from strangling the flowers of interracial love and harmony?

My cousin married an Indonesian lady so the wedding not only joined two people together, but also brought two cultures together. People had travelled from far and wide to attend the wedding: from Indonesia, the United States, the Northern Territory and Victoria. They came together for one purpose and differences meant nothing. What differences may have divided were forgotten, and those which were manifested like the Indonesian dancers who performed for the wedding guests, only served to enrich the experience for everyone.

Sensible people acknowledge that life is enhanced significantly by diversity. An appreciation of, and respect for other cultures makes life more interesting, and facilitates harmony. Generally people marry people from their own race, their own ethnic background and although perfectly understandable, this promulgates separateness, and strengthens the tribe mentality. Tribes by nature war against each other. 

Most people want peace but either ignore, eschew and resist those things which lead to peace. Are more interracial marriages the key to the destruction of racism? It can't hurt, can it?

Photo sources:

http://www.quickmeme.com/Support-Interracial-Marriage

https://truthpraiseandhelp.wordpress.com/tag/interracial-marriage/

Post Nuptial Assessment Part 4

Curzon Hall on Agincourt Road in Marsfield, Sydney was built in 1898 by businessman Harry Smith and named after his wife Isabella Curzon-Smith. Designed by David Thomas Morrow, it is a large castle-like manor in neo-Romanesque style (for the architecturally inclined) which is now a function centre, and was last Saturday the magnificent setting for my cousin's wedding reception. This beautiful old building actually hosted three other weddings that night, and it is clear from the moment you drive into the wonderfully manicured garden surrounds why it is so popular as a wedding venue.

The Smith family lived at Curzon Hall until 1921. Following its short life as a family home, it was a Catholic seminary for 60 years, and then commenced its current incarnation as a wedding/function centre. It reeks of class, history and money. One look at the superbly crafted high ceilings tells you everything.

Weddings are big business requiring huge investments of time and money, but the emotional investment far exceeds the hours and the dollars. Marriage is a lifelong commitment which forms the cornerstone of society and therefore requires more than the husband and wife alone can provide. It is unsurprising that with around half of all marriages ending in divorce, society is commensurately impoverished. Sad but true.

Nevertheless, the ideal of marriage remains something to which most people aspire. We lament those unions which fail, but we never let go of the dream of lifelong love and happiness. That's why I love weddings because they best represent the pillars of humanity: faith, hope and love.

Curzon Hall

Post Nuptial assessment part 2

The thrum of excitement swells and abates rhythmically as family and friends await the bride. The groom stands with his best man and groomsmen, at the front of the church, facing the door at the back, through which will soon parade the woman with whom he has chosen to spend the rest of life.

He smiles and jokes with the men who stand with him. The bride is always late, and although somewhat of a tradition, it is the source of some anxiety for the groom. Keen anticipation monsters his emotions as he stands and waits. The bride is busy: she's moving, coming towards him. She's anxious too because she knows he's waiting. She doesn't want to keep him waiting. He would wait forever but she would never ask him to do that. More than passion, a deferential and reverential love has brought them to this place. They are crazy about each other and everyone in the church hopes that they always will be, even though they know they won't.

To last, love must be strong, self sacrificing and reciprocal. It must have the strength to persist when the madness and obsessiveness of being 'in love' fades or dies. No one who comes to the altar and makes their vows realizes how much marriage will require of them. They know nothing of the agony and ecstasy which lies ahead. They are not ready. No one is truly ready for that.

May God bless all those who make the commitment. May He give them the strength they need to find lasting happiness and peace in marriage. The risk may be great but the rewards are greater.

Will you marry me?

A young couple made the news in Australia this week courtesy of a spectacular wedding proposal at Sydney's Vivid. A well dressed young man who was either not at all shy, or merely supercharged with the confidence which comes from being in love, asked his girlfriend to marry him by using a microphone to address her in the presence of family members and crowds of spectators gathered at the edge of Sydney Harbour to watch the light show. 

That this, along with other high profile, flashy and over the top wedding proposals was accepted was never in doubt, and one has to admire the strength of feeling which drives men to go to such extraordinary lengths to propose. But is it romance, or showmanship? I wonder how even the wedding itself, assuming it goes ahead ( and I hope it does), could match the magic of the proposal. Does the elation and intensity of such a fairy tale moment as this proposal, guarantee the marriage will be filled with equally ultra romantic acts? The bar is set pretty high. Isn't this man simply setting himself up for failure? Don't we place ourselves in danger of crushing disappointment if we live in expectation of extraordinary moments?

Those who live with high hopes are always on the precipice of disillusionment, but that is not sufficient reason to give up. As long as we understand that extraordinary moments are not ordinary moments, and that they are much less frequent, then we can enjoy them. We can celebrate them and dive into the joy, and we can also cherish the allegedly 'ordinary' events which fill the spaces between the extraordinary ones.

The question of whether the proposal at Vivid was romantic or just showy is beside the point, as is speculation about the couple's future. It was a moment of happiness in which love made everyone feel good and forget their troubles and what is wrong with that?

Spread the Love

Most families have had their share of domestic disturbance. From trivial bickering over what to watch on television to the unspeakable horrors of sexual, physical or emotional abuse. Families have been torn apart by tragedies like grief and infidelity, and by overwhelming financial burdens. The Beatles told us that love was all we needed, but look around. It isn't enough. Fifty percent of marriages fail.How many more continue in perpetual misery?

Some have suggested that monogamy is unnatural and, that forcing people together forever, or at least until death they do part, is rather like the artificial construction of political nations from disparate ethnic and religious groups who happen to share some geography. In other words, doomed for disater. There is a pattern around the world, particularly in African and Eastern Europe, of nation states devolving into smaller ethnically based nations. It can be argued that this is more natural.

Similarly, it can be argued that it is more natural for people to spread their love around a bit. Love here, is plainly a euphemism for sexual relationships which again, according to some, flow very naturally out of friendships. This is not the forum for debating the pros and cons of monogamy but it does raise an interesting question.

Can people who cheat on their partners still love them? Is it reasonable for a man to have a sexual relationship or even a very intimate emotional relationship with another woman and say that he still loves his wife or girlfriend? Can a man love two or even more women? Equally?

There is man in India named Ziona. He has 32 wives and 94 children. They all live together in one pretty big house in Eastern India. Think about that. This situation raises enough intrigue to fill a book, but of relevance to the current discussion is the question of whether the man loves his wives. Is it possible? Obviously he has sex with them but sex and love aren't the same thing. There is hell of a lot of loveless sex going on in this world. Does he love them? Does he have enough love for each of the women he has married? Obviously, he does not have sufficient time for each of them unless their definition of sufficient, and his, is ridiculously low. Immeasurably lower than most of ours. Fascinating.

I have one wife and no girlfriends or mistresses, so for me to answer the question posed earlier is a long stretch into the realm of the hypothetical. Could I love two women? I don't see why not. I don't, but I really can't see why that would not be possible. The closest analogy I can draw is loving our children. It is an imperfect analogy, I know but it's the best one available. I didn't have to use some of the love I already had for my son to love my daughter when she was born. I found some more. If we had have had a third child, I would have had more love available for that child as well with no diminution of my love for my other children. I don't know if that would be elastic enough to stretch to 94 children, (as Ziona in India has), but I can't see why not.

I believe that love originates with God. God is love. God is infinite and therefore love is infinite. God finances our love from his inexhaustible supply of it, but would he provide the love I would need to love a woman who wasn't my wife? I don't want to know the answer to that question.