A Dog's Eye: Life's a Funny Thing

The day had not gone at all according to plan, and as I sat in the taxi, I was contemplating how unfair it all was. For a fraction of the cost, I should have been riding a bus. My intention was to test the route for the children to get to and from school. Alas, it was not to be. What now I wondered? And this on top of everything else.

We arrived in Wollongong on June 1, after an eight day road trip from Darwin. We spent three weeks at mum's place, looking for work, looking for a place to live, praying things would work out, fighting the doubt which naturally arises following each disappointment. Each closed door, each rejected rental application, providing opportunity for us to allow despair and regret to run us over, or to praise God for the opportunity to trust him. Remember, prior to our departure, we had confidently stepped out in the deep ocean of uncertainty and insecurity to trust the God who called us.

We did all that we could. The children started school, and I continued to apply for jobs, as well as pursuing my dream by writing. When we finally received a 'yes' from an estate agent, we were naturally elated, but soon after began to worry how we would pay the rent. My wife and I took turns encouraging each other to keep the faith. Why would God help us get a place to live, then not help us to pay the rent? That was absurd. I kept applying for writing jobs and many others, some in my professional field, others not.

The house we got became yet another test, as many unsatisfactory elements only became apparent after we moved in. We struggled at times to stay thankful in the face of so many irritating little problems. Some, like the lack of functional TV antenna, and missing locks on the windows in the main bedroom, were serious, others less so.

With my redundancy payout now exhausted, no income, and no prospect of paid employment, an unexpected and avoidable taxi fare was nearly the straw which broke this camel's back.

So I sat in the cab, feeling sorry for myself, wondering when this season of insecurity would end. I had a feeling I should talk to the driver. I'd said hello, and asked how he was when we boarded, but had maintained silence since then. I didn't want to talk to him, but the thought persisted that I should. Three times I felt the urge, and each time I was given the exact words to use to open the conversation. Finally, I relented.

'Life's a funny thing, isn't it?' I said, turning to the driver.

We chatted for the remaining fifteen minutes of the trip, after which I realised how talking to him had lifted my spirits. Either by functioning as a distraction, or releasing a blessing because I responded, albeit reluctantly, to a prompting to start a conversation, doing it had made me feel better. Much better.

When I related this story to my wife, I became aware of the fear which had insidiously crept in and was negatively affecting everything. Our feelings, our words and our decisions. We talked it out and agreed to reject that fear and continue to walk in faith.

Then COVID joined the party and the city in which we live was ordered into a two week lockdown. 

Yesterday, looking resplendent in our face masks, and rugged up against the cold to which we are still adjusting, we caught a bus to the mall to do our grocery shopping. Did I mention we don't have a car at the moment? It's at the smash repairer because we hit a kangaroo 50km west of Renmark, South Australia.

You gotta laugh. Really. Life is a funny thing. I have even more time now to write and work on things writing related. I feel quite relaxed, even though we will soon be pillaging our nest egg to pay the rent and everything else. Externally, nothing really seems to be happening. We're quite stuck, but internally, we are growing stronger together, and continuing to laugh, even when we feel like crying.

A Dog's Eye: Life X 4

Most people are familiar with the concept of seasons in life, but these are really more aptly called stages. And stages have within them seasons. Periods of time. Happy days where everything seems to be smooth sailing and strawberry fields. Some stretches of months or years where nothing goes right. Spring seasons full of energy, new endeavour and lots of action. Others where nothing happens at all. Our emotions rising and falling as we experience the highs and lows of human existence.

For eighteen months I was a house sitter. During that season I never stayed in any one place for more than four weeks, and usually nowhere near that long. I chose this form of homelessness as a remedy to financial woes. It was mostly a terrific experience about which I have no regrets bar one little one.*

As the grant of a partner visa for my wife and children loomed on the horizon, I decided to act in faith, believing that God would not let us down. Having always been faithful to us, I had no reason to doubt his provision. I bought one way tickets for them to get here in time to celebrate Christmas and New Year. I enrolled my daughter in school and I took out a lease on a three bedroom apartment for us to live in. We started talking to one another and making decisions as though the visa had already been granted. Seven days before they were due to arrive they had no visa; neither a partner visa nor a tourist visa, which we had applied for as a bit of insurance. 

The transition out of the season of house sitting and waiting into  the 'oh man, I'm paying rent again now and I have a family to feed' season was not gradual. On December 16, my wife and two children arrived in Darwin and we jumped into the deep end together. My two eldest children are young adults now. It's been a long time since I lived with them and cared for them as children. I kind of forgot how noisy, messy and inconvenient children are, but I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining, I'm adjusting. We're all adjusting to this new season of living together as a family.

We've been waiting for some time for this new beginning. My wife had this dream of what the future would look like long before she met me. When we learned that we shared this dream and believed God had brought us together to make it happen, we were grateful and excited. We still are. 

We're in a new season now, a new chapter in the book of our lives. It's not just me now. It's life multiplied by four. Four times the people. Four times the problems. Four times the food. Four times the fun. Four times the electricity bill. Four times the joy.

* My final house sit, which I had arranged long before we began our faith steps, ended up not working out for us. Had it just been me, it might have been okay but with the four of us having been catapulted into family life, the house where we stayed presented one too many challenges so we pulled out half way through. Of course, we notified the home owner and arranged a satisfactory replacement. It is the only time I ever let a home owner down, but I felt I had no choice other than to do what was best for us as a family.

A Dog's Eye: pushing the envelope

A video came up in my news feed on Facebook this morning of a guy reviewing some spectacular football 'dives'. Overlooking the liberal use of expletives, it was quite funny so I shared it. I had already been thinking about this issue for a few days, since Australia lost to France in their World Cup 2018 opener.

Football, or soccer as we call it here and in the United States, is truly the world game. The FIFA World Cup is a larger event than the Olympic Games.With an estimated global television audience of nearly half the population of the whole world, and ticket sales of nearly 1.7 million, it is impossible to deny the popularity of what many call 'the beautiful game'.

I don't watch a lot of soccer. I watch Australia's World Cup qualifiers when they are on at a sensible time, and I check out as much of the World Cup action as I can. There is a blight on the beautiful game. An embarrassment which even casual viewers like myself cannot help but notice and shake our heads at. The dive.

Players often take dramatic falls and have exaggerated reactions to minor injuries. This is particularly laughable for fans of rugby league which is perhaps the most physically violent of all sports. The collisions between players in rugby league make mortals shudder and wonder how they can keep playing. The thing is even in rugby league, players 'dive'. It does not happen as often as it does in soccer but it happens.

The purpose of diving is to win a penalty or free kick for your team. In league it is known as 'milking', and you will occasionally hear the referee refuse to give a penalty by actually calling out 'milking'. 

I don't like this at all. To me, it is not in the spirit of the game, but the laws of the game-both soccer and rugby league- are such that decisions about foul play or illegal tackles are in the hands of the referees who must exercise their judgement as to the severity and genuineness of the offence. With such subjective assessments and enforcement of the rules, mistakes are bound to occur.

Players push the envelope to gain every possible advantage for their team. If they can get away with it, if they can dupe the referee into awarding a penalty or free kick, then why not? Why not? Because it's poor sportsmanship. I would say that the majority of players don't do it. I wish no one did it, but sport, particularly professional sport which involves such ridiculous amounts of money, is a microcosm of life.

Nearly everyone drives above the speed limits. Normally just a little bit over: pushing the envelope. That's just one example. In every arena of life, people try to bend and stretch the rules to suit themselves, to gain every possible advantage. It's normal right?

It is normal, but it speaks clearly of the rebellious heart within us all. A resistance to authority and to rules. We just don't like being told what to do. In sport, and in life in general the stakes are high, so we feel it is necessary to push the envelope regardless of how we may embarrass or injure ourselves or other people in the process.

A Dog's Eye: detach/deconstruct

Once upon a time I had a wife, a steady job, a mortgage: a settled life. I was busy with family, friends, church and work, but not too busy to enjoy sufficient 'recharge' time alone. I felt somewhat in control of my life. I worked hard to control everything I could. I had plans. I had direction. I knew what I was doing and where I was going. I owned furniture, and lots of other stuff. I had a couple of dogs. I was thankful...most of the time. I thought I was a pretty normal bloke with a normal life.

Somewhere along the way, through a twenty two year marriage, raising two awesome children, studying for a degree and then two post graduate qualifications, establishing myself as a professional language teacher, writing my first novel and having it published, growing as a person, trying to be the best husband, father and friend I could be...at some point in the journey I forgot to be grateful, and I allowed discontent to fester.

Four years after I left my wife, I am still suffering the repercussions of that choice. Since immediately after Easter, I have had no fixed address. Between house sitting gigs, I stay with a good friend of mine. I own no furniture. My possessions fit in my car, with room to spare. I'm in debt, and uncertain about the future. I know what I want, but I am relatively powerless to do anything to achieve it. I don't know when things will change, when my life will turn around. I feel unsettled, anxious, uncertain and at times a little fearful.

The house I'm staying in now is a beautiful family home. Although the dogs are good company, I'm alone, and looking at all the family photos reminds me of what I don't have. They are echoes of what I used to have, and what I wish to have once more. I'm experiencing loneliness like I never have before, and I'm aware of the lack of gratitude I feel: focusing on what I don't have, instead of what I do have. I recognize this attitude is partially what brought about my down fall, and the end of my 'normal' life.

To top it all off, I am one love sick puppy. This lady, who I believe will become my wife, is a genuine gift from God. A clever and independent woman with a strong mind and a soft heart.The right person for me. Exactly who I need, and consequently the woman with whom I want to share the rest of my life. We've been in a long distance relationship for three and a half months. It's a tough gig. We haven't seen each other for six weeks, but we are committed to each other and learning to be patient (me not her).

Through it all, I see God's hand: his mercy and grace. I feel his hands deconstructing me, ripping away my self reliance and my need to be in control. He's removing all my worldly attachments, burning away what I don't need. Teaching me to really trust him. Drawing me closer. Blessing me in spite of my resistance to change. In my struggle, I feel his strength being perfected in me.

I will choose gratitude every day. I will choose purity. I will choose integrity. My heart quavers, my stomach rumbles, and my mind wearies itself with the battle. I feel uncomfortable and unsettled, but I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and God is with me. I have the promises of God's word on which to stand, and I choose to stand. I choose life. I choose love. I choose hope.

Once upon a time I thought I knew stuff. I thought I was in control. I thought I was on the right path.

Glory to the God of endless second chances.

Undulations #atozchallenge

"A look of resignation creased Tyson’s face. ‘You don’t love Cassy and you don’t want to try to love her.’

‘I love her, but I am not in love with her.’

‘That’s a distinction I understand but don’t accept. It’s not a reason to quit a marriage. You understand the highs and lows of life, love and marriage. Feelings come and go. You can’t be riding the high of romantic love non-stop."

Lovesick chapter 11

The first time I rode Superman Escapes at Movie World on the Gold Coast, I didn’t breathe for the three and half minutes it took to be catapulted and flung around the track. I’ve never been back, and I probably shouldn’t go back.

I could chase the thrill, but the pursuit of pleasure is not my chief occupation.

When my sister informed me my dad had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, I can’t describe how awful I felt. I don’t want to experience that again, although I probably will. I could try to avoid it, but that isn’t possible. The evasion of suffering is not one of my life goals either.

Life is rarely a flat, straight highway to the horizon. Most of life is neither high, nor low; it’s mundane, but there are always ups and downs, twists and turns. Sure we would all prefer the non-routine times to be enjoyable, and it’s great when they are, but sometimes they aren’t. Fun is good and necessary, but we can’t have fun all the time. We can chase happiness and excitement, and try to avoid sadness and hurt, but life inevitably contains all of these things. Love, likewise, is both pleasurable and painful. Live wisely and considerately, and be thankful.

You Only Live Twice

Here are some different perspectives on life and death for you to consider:

"So we only get one chance, can we take it?And we only got one life, can't exchange it." -Age of Innocence by Iron Maiden

"You only live twice: once when you are born and once when you  look death in the face." - Japanese proverb

"It is appointed unto to men to die once and then face the judgement." - Hebrews 9:27

Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die." - John 11:25,26

"Truly, truly, I say to you, if anyone keeps my word he will never see death." - Jesus Christ (John 8:51)

The fact that I have included three quotes supporting the Christian world view tells you where I stand, but I think most people, including many professing Christians, live according to the Iron Maiden lyrics. It is said that what you believe about death determines the nature of your life. Interesting theory but I'm not sure there is much evidence for it in reality.

People sing songs about living life to the full because it's all there is but they don't live that way. People who have near death experiences receive a second chance: the second life as presented in the Japanese proverb which Ian Fleming quoted in his James Bond novel. However, many of them also lack a true eternal perspective on life.

I believe that although my body will die, my soul is immortal. Jesus will give me a new imperishable body in which I will live forever in Heaven where there are no tears, and no pain or suffering. This is the hope which both sustains me and inspires me.

What are your thoughts on the after life, or perhaps you agree with the late business tycoon, Kerry Packer who, after he was brought back to life after a massive heart attack, famously said, "I have been to the other side mate, and there's nothing there."

Photo source:
http://liferemixed.net/2011/10/20/what-is-eternal-life/

Don't be in such a hurry

I am currently nearing the ends of two books, Sanctus by Simon Toyne, and The Power of Words which is the life of Winston Churchill as told by his public speeches. Although they are both good books and worth reading, I am not going to make any other comments on the books themselves. I'm more interested in what happens 'towards the end of a book.'

Hands up if you rush through the end of a book. Does anyone else do that? Whereas through the majority of Sanctus, for example, I was reading it how you are supposed to read a book - savouring the words, allowing them to permeate the mind and create images and arouse feelings - I now find myself skimming a little in a pointless race to the end where the only prize is the opportunity to commence a new book. (That's good but you know what I mean.) I have to force myself to slow down. Not to be in such a hurry. The end deserves just as much respectful and interested attention as the beginning and the middle.

I've realized that I write my novels in the same fashion. I've occasionally been criticised for finishing my stories too quickly. I am now also aware, courtesy of this blog post, that I live my life in exactly the same way I read books. Hmmmm...Can anybody else relate the way they read to the way they live?

Eternity

It is not possible for finite minds to comprehend the infinite. We can imagine it or try to imagine it, and depending on how good our imaginations are, we may scratch the surface of the reality, but we can never truly grasp the infinite. Let's look at a concept like eternity for example. Eternity is a long time time right? Eternity is forever. I know you are reading this and saying, 'Duh! Of course eternity is forever," but have you ever really thought about it? Eternity is not just a long time, it is actually timelessness. What is timelessness? What does it look like? How does it work? 

I have no idea because I, like you and everybody else on this planet, was born at a certain time in the past and I have been progressing through time at the rate of twenty four hours a day towards an unknown date in the future at which point my physical body will expire. I will carry on this journey that we call life, irrespective of what happens to me - agony, ecstasy or monotony- until my time is over.

At this point of the discussion, disputes about life after death typically arise. Some people believe that physical expiration is ultimate termination. When you're dead, you're dead. Others, in fact the majority I would argue without fear of being contradicted, believe in the immortality of the soul. Various religious traditions suggest different manifestations of this afterlife, but essentially all accept the notion that there is life after death. Some sort of heaven for the good, and some kind of hell for the bad. That is far too simplistic, but this is a blog not a book.

Presumably when people who don't believe in any sort of after life talk about "forever" they just mean "until they die." We fall in love and it is forever. We are always waiting forever for things to happen, or for something to end. We say we'll never do this or we'll never do that. His name, her deeds etcetera will be remembered forever. Forever?

Yesterday, I waited forever for the referee to blow full time so that we could hold on for a draw against the more highly rated team we were playing, and then towards the end of forever we snagged a brilliant goal to win. That match concluded about 16 hours ago which feels like forever.

This thing called life which some of us think lasts forever, will be over in the twinkling of an eye. It goes too fast for us to properly enjoy it or even understand it. If you want to hold to that view of forever - the short, over in the blink of an eye view - be my guest but I would invite you to think, to really think about timelessness because if this blur on history which is my life is only about the years I spend on earth wrapped in this mortal coil, then I cannot see the point. There must be more. Don't you think?

Photo sources
http://www.openlettersmonthly.com/stevereads/2014/06/notes-for-a-star-trek-bibliography-the-city-on-the-edge-of-forever/
http://www.kansascitybob.com/2013/07/purgatory-twitter-and-timelessness.html

When Opportunity Knocks

I've been posting articles here every week for around five years, and last year I wrote 26 in April alone for the A-Z Challenge. Incidentally, I have signed up again for this year's challenge, and I will be posting articles related to my latest novel, Ashmore Grief.

I write to a very small audience whose thoughts are most often unknown to me, and although that is disappointing, I write mainly for myself. I'm not really a mainstream kind of man. I'm a Square Peg who most of the time feels exactly like my tag says, "like I don't really belong." I write because often it is the best way for me to express myself and to explore life as I see it and experience it.

Today, I just want to give some unasked for advice. To those of you who are being presented with an opportunity and you aren't sure if you should take it.

If it sounds good and you want to go for it, then go for it. Imagine how good it could be. Don't think the worst, dream the best. Don't be afraid. Don't confuse fear with prudence. Fear can be a thief.

Open your heart and take a chance because the only way to grow your heart is to share it with others. Grab the opportunity offered to you and watch your heart grow. The more you love, the more you will be able to love. Don't hold back. Don't hide from your feelings.

Happiness is hard to find. If you can find someway to be happy without hurting anybody, including yourself, then don't be a spectator, grab it with both hands and play the game of life. The greater the risk, the greater the reward.

Two Baskets of Mysteries

Why does tragedy scar some people's lives while others escape the carnage of apparently random misfortune? We all have only partial control of what happens to us. Most of the time we are weak and vulnerable. Any single car journey I make could be my last. I am relatively healthy now but I could be diagnosed with cancer tomorrow. Anything could happen to me or anyone else in this crazy rollercoaster ride called life. But what's the point? So far I have pretty much cruised through life unscathed. Why have I been so blessed when others have been hammered? If 1 in 4 children have been sexually abused, why wasn't I one of them? We hear so many stories of children with serious illness, yet the worst thing my teenagers have been afflicted with is a 24 hour gastro bug.

I could spend the rest of my life presenting examples of the seeming randomness of life but I still wouldn't be able to answer the question, "why?" Perhaps a better question would be: is it even possible to answer the question "why?"

The latter question I can answer. There is much in life which can only be described as inexplicable, as mystery. There is a difference however between mystery that isn't understood, and mystery which can't be understood. Mystery that isn't understood suggests that it is at least possible to find some rational explanation for the unknown. Much like an Agatha Christie novel, one only needs to investigate the clues and apply logic, and the mystery can be solved. Life is not like that.

The mystery of life and its irregular bestowal of blessings and curses upon participating individuals, that is, all of us, cannot be understood. It is, I believe, very wise to know your own limitations. The mystery of random suffering cannot be solved.

There are then, if you accept this premise, two possible responses. Many people take the philosophical view that is so eloquently summarized in the bumper sticker slogan, "shit happens". They accept life as it is without needing a reason or an explanation. That's just the way it is. Others don't need an explanation because they know if they were told the answer, they would not understand it anyway. They do, however, like me, believe that there is a reason. That reason can't be comprehended by feeble finite minds because it emanates from the infinite and indescribable awesomeness of God. There is a reason. There is purpose.

Many say the purpose of life is simply to be born, to live, breed, eat drink and be merry, suffer, ride the rollercoaster, and then die. If that's all there is, then I want my money back. What a rip off! What a waste of precious time. Almost as great a mystery as the question of suffering, is the question why people accept the philosophy that we live, we suffer and then we die, and there is no point to it. That's not good enough for me. I need to know there is more, even if I can't understand it, and I do...and I can't.

The Masochist Within

We must all be masochists. Gluttons for punishment. When it hurts we cry a river then we run back for a second helping. Please sir, can I have some more? We fall but we struggle up on our feet again. We want what we can't have and we drive ourselves insane in futile pursuit of it. Or if do we achieve the desired outcome, we find it's taste is not as sweet as we imagined and are forced to pretend it is delicious. We are fearlessly fragile. Knowing we are broken and vulnerable doesn't stop us from lining up for more pain. We warmly embrace suffering. We are mad, aren't we?

There is an alternative lifestyle available. It is peaceful and harmless, and experiencing the pleasure it promises only requires our surrender. All we need to do is give up. Stop trying. Stop striving. Want nothing more than what you have. Don't love anyone or allow them to love you because that is way too risky. Close your heart. Close your mind. Block out the misery and misfortune of others. Don't try to change what cannot be changed. Accept injustice.

How does that sound? Sounds to me like the pain is worth it. I choose option A. Thank you very much. I'm not going to go searching for trouble and problems but I'm not going to faint with fright when they come, and they will come. Nor am I going to run away. I choose to fight though I may suffer injury. I already carry the scars of previous battles and I cherish them. They have made me who I am. I won't invite suffering into my life, that would be stupid, but when it comes, and it will come, I will welcome it as irrefutable evidence that I am alive. I am really living not just passing the time. If that makes me a masochist...so be it.