The Mirror: Parental Guidance

In the 21st century, everything is apparently of interest to someone and the evidence of this can be found on social media and in reality television. Since the early noughties, reality television exploded in popularity with the advent of Survivor, Big Brother, The Biggest Loser, and American Idol, all of which went on to become global franchises in turn giving birth to a never ending stream of progeny.

These shows are popular because of the ages old appeal of vicarious living. The ability to live a life, to experience an adventure, to undergo a trial, or to find romance without leaving your home had traditionally been provided by fiction or documentary, in books, films and television. Reality TV ushered in a new and more personal way to connect.

I've watched and enjoyed a few of the these shows over the years without necessarily becoming a devotee. Mostly, I've avoided them because either I found them too morbidly addictive, dull, or offensive, but when I find something I like, I'll commit for a season, and my attachment is based on two things; people and philosophy. Although I understand how heavily edited these programs are, and how manipulative such editing is, I still find the shows interesting and entertaining because of the characters, both their personal stories and how their worldviews play out in life.

The latest reality show to hit Australian screens is Parental Guidance about which I'd heard nothing until I saw an ad for it while I was watching a James Bond film on the Nine network. It's marketed as a social experiment, which is fair enough because it isn't exactly a reality TV show, although it does have elements of the genre, and I like it...a lot.

Co-hosted by prominent child psychologist Dr. Justin Coulson, the show brings together ten couples with different parenting styles, examining the strengths and weaknesses of each methodology through group discussion and a series of family challenges. Irrespective of what you might think about any of the various parenting styles, one thing is clear: these parents really love their children and are committed to doing what's best for them. They may chose different paths but their broad goals are identical. The environment in which these discussions take place is one of respect and openness, which has no doubt been engineered by the structure of the show and the careful selection of participants, but it makes for compelling, albeit occasionally uncomfortable viewing.

In most families, it is unlikely that any particular parental style has been intentionally chosen and pursued by the parents. Most people muddle their way through child rearing, as they do through life, doing the best they can  However, any parent watching this show would certainly be able to identify with some or all of the parental practices displayed. Most parents use a mix of strategies to achieve their goals for their children and to ensure a healthy family life. The difference with the couples on the show is that they are very intentional and consistent.

I've found it impossible to keep my mouth closed while watching Parental Guidance. Whether I agree or disagree, praise or criticise, I'm fully engaged as watch and I'm sure I typify the reaction that the producers of the show desired. The show is about the conversation, about learning from each other, inspiring each other to be better parents and better people. 

I would argue that Parental Guidance is not only a clever and entertaining show, but also a necessary one. Does anyone not agree that parenting is the single most important job any person will ever have? Who doesn't want to be a better parent? What parent does not want the very best for their children? Who doesn't find parenting hard at times?

Although I find it tedious to have one same sex couple, or a same sex attracted person included in every show now, I think having Brett and Tony in Parental Guidance is important and valuable. I'm also pleased they included a single mum. I don't believe these are optimal parenting scenarios, but I do think good parenting should be acknowledged and supported no matter who is delivering it.

I only have three criticisms of the show. Firstly, it's too short. Opinions are delivered in 'grabs' designed to have maximum emotional impact on the viewer, but it doesn't go deep enough for me. However, as with most shows you can visit their website for additional content. Secondly, the disparate ages of the children skews the results of some of the challenges, and thirdly there is no accounting for, or representation of blended families. It is one thing to raise children from birth with a particular parenting style, but what happens when your parenting journey begins with an eleven year old and a thirteen year old, for example, as mine did. Perhaps the producers would consider a spin off which focusses on step parenting, which is unquestionably harder than parenting.

Parental Guidance ticks a lot of boxes for me as a viewer and a parent of four children. It's manipulative but not excessively, and it's controversial, but not for the sake of controversy I'm very much looking forward to the second week of the series, and I encourage you to check it out. Tune in, and take a look into the mirror. Do you like what you see? 

Kids #atozchallenge

"‘Çan we home now mum?’ says Bailey suddenly.

A quick affirmative nod does the trick, and furnishes me with the opportunity to escape mum’s silent scrutiny. ‘Yes,’ I say with something resembling enthusiasm. ‘Let’s get going. School tomorrow.’ I stand. Sam apparently misses the message. He’s licking sauce from his fingers while reaching for another chip with his free hand. ‘Come on. Let’s go. Get your stuff.’

‘We don’t have any stuff mum.’

‘Right,’ I say, wondering why they don’t have their bags with them. ‘That’s easy then.’

I shepherd my neglected children towards the front door, but they soon gain their own momentum, and forge ahead".

Lovesick chapter 38

As much pain and devastation as separation and divorce causes for the two involved, it is their children who are the real victims.

My parents first separated when I was 12, then they split again when I was 17 and that was the end of the marriage. The house was sold, and I went to live with my dad, while my sister went to live with mum. I got on with the business of life, but it took many years for me to get over it. Even today, the repercussions of the divorce are still felt keenly in our family. Mum and dad have never quite figured out how to get along, even though they have now been divorced for longer than they were married.

The impact is now felt by their grandchildren. I accept the reality of the situation, even though for a long time, I imagined, I dreamed and hoped that my parents would reconcile. My children and my sister’s children know no different. They were born, like so many other children, into a fractured family.

Sadly, I did the same thing to my children when I left my wife. The cycle goes on as we are try to find peace and happiness in the midst of pain and brokenness.

Are you divorced? How’s it going? Have you managed to move on?

Celebrate the Small Things: Hugs and well wishes

Today was the final day of my practicum at a local Primary School. I made it! I did it! I finished.

It was a really difficult prac for many reasons. The hardest thing was behaviour management which in some classes, like the troublesome one to which I was assigned, takes the majority of the available time. 

On Tuesday, a student stabbed another student with a pencil in class while I was occupied trying to settle a dispute between another two students. It seems redundant to say that this was upsetting. The offending student was removed from class, and suspended. The victim was okay apart from a small puncture wound in his shoulder. My supervising teacher was off that day, and myself and the casual teacher on class were unable to control the children. Twenty eight eight and nine year olds totally got the better of us.

That incident concluded, but fresh in my mind together with thoughts about what might have been, (The stabbing could have have had much worse results,) I soldiered on for the rest of the week.

Today I finished up, and upon informing the class that I was leaving, I was immediately swamped with students who wanted to hug me. A few of them had drawn some pictures for me as well. One girl insisted that I had to come back and teach her next year in year 5, and then again the following year.

I am grateful today for the spontaneous affection shown me by children who had driven me half insane over the previous four weeks. I am thankful for the experience overall, and to the staff who supported and encouraged me.

Kingly Kids

Of course I am not going to complain about children. Children are wonderful...generally speaking. They are a source of both agony and ecstasy, and everything in between for parents, but I believe that children are our future. (sorry about that: I couldn't help myself.)

There are nearly 4 trillion blogs devoted to children but Square Pegs is not one of them. However, this is a whingefest and we all complain about children. Our own children. Other people's children. Even the cutest of kids can be pretty annoying so they are worthy of inclusion in this themed blogging challenge.


Specifically, I want to complain about kids who act like, and/or are treated like kings. The television channel must be changed to appease the child. A toy must be purchased to meet its demands. A separate meal must be prepared to ensure the child eats. An inconvenient trip to the supermarket is necessary to satisfy its requirements. Detours and pit stops on road trips. White flags to nagging. I could go on.

Children should be taught that they are important but, and it's a big but, they must also learn their place. Children who are treated like royalty grow into brats, and brats terrorise us all. Little brats become big brats, and the world has enough brats already. (Also I have used the word 'brat' enough already.)

Advice to parents: Dads should be kings, mums should be queens and children should be children, and do what they are told.

What is your opinion of children who think the world revolves around them? What of parents who allow their children to rule their lives?

Photo sources and further reading:
http://mochadad.com/2009/03/10-signs-your-children-are-brats/
http://blog.choremonster.com/choremonster-vs-a-nation-of-brats/

Crap Parenting

The most important job which any man or woman will ever hold is that of parent. Being a mother or father is an incredibly difficult and demanding job. Although the duties undergo significant changes along the way, parenting is a life long career. Once you have a child, you are committed until you die, or until they die. You will more than likely receive no financial reward, and at different stages perhaps not even much praise for your work. Your heart will be broken multiple times, you will suffer anguish and anxiety, you can expect sleepless nights, an overwhelming workload and a paucity of gratitude.

                                                

You will bear most of the heavy, heavy load of responsibility for the upbringing of a good person and a citizen. You will carry the weight of occasionally naive and unrealistic expectation. Your stomach will be twisted into knots which threaten to cripple you as you make decisions for another person.

I love being a dad. I have two children, teenagers now, and they are beautiful people who care about other people. They demonstrably love me and my wife, and each other. They live purposeful, busy lives, working, studying, playing and socializing, and they don't get into trouble. They don't get into trouble because they don't look for it. They are sensible and sensitive, and they make good decisions. They are forgiving and brave.

Are these awesome children my handiwork? Are they my legacy? Am I defined by what I have done for them, and to them, and who I am to them? Can I take full responsibility for the people they have become? Of course not, but as a father, a parent, I have played the role God assigned to me, and I have done my best to raise my children to love God and to love others.

The pain I have experienced for them, and at times because of them, is nothing at all compared to the joy they have given me. My life would be so shallow and meaningless without them. Through them, and through fathering them, I have learned so much about myself and the God who blessed me with them. To love is to suffer, but I suffer gladly because they are worth it: the happiness they bring, and the rich satisfaction I feel sharing their lives, the pleasure and fulfilment that comes from being a dad is the single greatest thing in my life.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on being a parent, even if you are not one.

This post was inspired by a story I read about the poor quality of modern parenting. Read it here. crap parenting

Photo sources:

http://parentingbeyondpunishment.com/panel-discussion-parenting-without-violence/

http://www.kveller.com/blog/parenting/what-i-really-think-about-attachment-parenting/

http://www.parentsareimportant.com/

It's my birthday

Will.i.am's It's My Birthday came on the radio as we were driving home from the Sydney Aquatic and Gymnastic Centre at Rooty Hill. It had been a big day. It was still a big day as my daughter piloted us along the freeway, having competed that evening in her first acrobatics competition for around 18 months due to a back injury which put her out of action for 6 months. She is part of a trio who had a disrupted preparation for the tournament. Their goal was simply to score enough points to qualify for the NSW state Championships. They succeeded.

Proud dad? Hell yeah. I love my children more than my life and although I've let them down recently, they showed me how awesome they are by writing beautiful words of love and forgiveness on my birthday card. Tears filled my eyes when I read it. As I write this, my vision is blurry once more.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

There is something that both amazes and pleases many parents, at the same time, about their children's behaviour. Your son for example, spends some time at a friend's place and you speak to the friend's parent, thanking them for looking after your son, and they say, it was a pleasure having him. No trouble at all! He's so quiet. You ask yourself: who are they talking about? Not my son. It couldn't be. Quiet? He's not quiet at home.

Hands up if you've ever had that experience? It's not that much of a mystery at all really. Most children subconsciously modify their behaviour depending on their circumstances. They reserve their worst behaviour for the people they know best: their parents. Most of those children grow into adults who consciously alter their behaviour depending on the situation in which they find themselves. Do you only show your worst to the people you know best? Familiarity breeds contempt. Ouch! That shouldn't be true, but it is.

In different groups of people, we act differently. Especially when we are new to that group. Or is just me? Am I the only one who bites my tongue when I strongly disagree with someone I have just me, and with whom I am going to have to spend more than five minutes? Aren't we all naturally more relaxed and friendly when the people we are with are chilled and amiable? Am I the only one who doesn't say much until he figures out the dynamics of a new group?

Sometimes I actually admire those people who apparently aren't bound by the aformentioned conventions. They act the same, speak the same to all people, in every situation. They are seemingly so comfortable with themselves that they can be themselves all the time. Or is it a lack of self awareness and sensitivity rather than a supreme sense of comfort in their own skin, that makes them act so?

Take the guy who drops the F-bomb regardless of who hears it. Or the woman whose breasts always overflow her low cut dresses. Or the man who makes tasteless jokes, which he thinks are funny, just to break the ice. What about the woman who laughs like a woodpecker, or the fella who has to virtually touch his nose to yours in order to speak with you? Or how about those who have loud personal conversations in public places?

When does 'just being yourself' end, and causing offence, or public nuisance, begin? When does adjusting your behaviour, (controlling yourself) out of sensitivity or simple shyness or caution end, and being a faker, or a game player begin?

If you have simple answers to these questions, I'd love to hear them but Solomon's been dead for thousands of years, and I'm just bumbling through life by the grace of God. Sometimes I don't know who I am.