Have you ever looked in the mirror and been forced to shake your head at what you see? Have you ever seen a photo of yourself which you would describe at best as unflattering or at worst horrific? Even traumatizing? Have you had so many ideas flooding your mind you thought you would drown? Have you ever read a blog post with four consecutive questions in the first paragraph?
If you answered yes to at least one of the above questions, then I've found you. You are the person I'm writing to; my target readership. Come in please. Sit down and relax. Would you like a drink? Let's talk about us. Let's chat at length about how we are the same, how we relate. Let's marvel at the way my words express your thoughts and emotions. It's almost as though I can read your mind. You're amazed aren't you? I'm chuffed, seriously. Thank you for saying that. Let me prepare a nutritious snack for you. Would you like a refill on that drink?
I've been self conscious for as long as I've been conscious of consciousness. It started in my teens naturally, as it does for many people when puberty causes strange physical developments and emotional turbulence. I was awkward, gangly, pimply; self conscious but not excessively. I'm less self conscious now, but sometimes, I still care. I still suffer the delusion that other people are watching me, interested in what I'm doing and what I'm wearing.
The mirror is not helping me out much these days. I had to concede last week that I had developed a gut. Photos from a recent day trip to a beautiful natural swimming hole in Litchfield National park confirmed the gut. I can no longer deny it. I simply need to work out how to wear it well. It's not like I'm the only 50 something bloke with a gut, right?
Many ideas for stories, books and marketing of books fill my mind, but I find it hard to make time now. I could, but I acquiesce to circumstances, scribbling the ideas on scraps of paper in the hopes of one day being able to develop them. Before I can give my all to one idea, others invade the space, further diluting my efforts. I only feel occasional anxiety about these things now. My life has changed and is changing. I feel much more relaxed about timing. I feel much more confident that as long as I continue to seek God and praise him, I will always be doing the right thing in the right place, even if that means needing bigger pants and more scraps of paper.
Thinking less about myself and what I want to do seems like a good path to follow. Being patient, grateful and less superficial are all good things so I reckon 'she'll be right mate'. In other words everything will be okay. I'll keep writing in the hopes of connecting with you.