C is for Chainsaw

“He may as well have been wearing a hockey mask for the effect he had on David. He was feverishly cutting away at a shrub which lay at the foot of his back stairs. By the time David arrived to see the carnage, Phil had already reduced the once mighty plant to a husk, less than a quarter of its original size.”

- Loathe Your Neighbor ch. 1

 

I bought a chainsaw in a box. I wanted a cheap one so I risked buying an unknown brand from overseas which I knew I would have to partially assemble. I was excited when it arrived. The thought of felling trees, with apologies to any Greenie readers, thrilled me. I couldn’t wait to get the thing out of the box, put it together, add some fuel and let her rip. In my mind’s eye, I watched the target of my hostility yield quickly to my two stroke power. Sadly, I did not get very far because the new chainsaw had a broken part. To cut a long story short, after I fitted the replacement part, the chainsaw sat in my shed gathering dust until my brother in law managed to do what I was not able to: start the damn thing. Many months had elapsed and I had often dreamed of the demolition job I was going to do on the unwanted living wooden towers which crowded my property. With the roar of the two stroke coming to life in my brother-in-law’s hands, my hope was renewed. Three weeks later, I donned my safety gear and felled the offender, reducing it to handy carry sized logs in less than fifteen minutes. Maybe I should have worn a hockey mask…you can call me Phil if you want.

Lemons and a Chainsaw

There are two hours remaining until I have to travel to Dapto Mall and set up for the book signing. Butterflies? What butterflies? My in-store appearance at Newings book shop has been publicised with a feature article in the Weekender magazine of our regional newspaper, The Illawarra Mercury. There are large posters in the Mall, and in Newings. Apparently they have been announcing my visit over the P.A. I've been interviewed on the radio. Naturally, I've been telling everyone all about it as well. But will it fly? Will it work? Will people turn up to see me and buy my books: my new one, Loathe Your Neighbor, and my debut novel, Devolution? I can't wait for it to begin and I can't wait for it to be over.

About a year ago, I was in Newings, doing a meet and greet for Devolution. It was pretty low key, but for an unknown author it was apparently a success. I sold some books and the ladies in the bookstore reckoned I did well. This time it feels bigger, or am I just imagining that it should be bigger? If I'm making progress, then there should be more people and I should sell more books, right? I've had more publicity so results should follow, right? I don't know! What are you asking me for? Butterflies? What butterflies?

Loathe Your Neighbor is a great book, even if I do say so myself. When people hear about it, interest sparks. I've seen it in their faces and heard it in their voices.I just need more people to hear about it, and I'll sell more books, right? I thought I told you not to ask me.

As part of the promotional hysteria, I am offering readers a chance to win a brand new, genuine as-seen-on-TV, The Renovator. I know it's not a chainsaw, but come on, who offers chainsaws as prizes in book promotions. Here's what you have to do to enter the draw to win The Renovator:


Purchase Loathe Your Neighbor. Read it and answer this question: What is the significance of lemons in Loathe Your Neighbor? E-mail your answer, together with your name and purchase details to me, the author, at devolution_dacairns@hotmail.com . If you buy Devolution I will give you an extra two entries in the draw. Purchase details means place of purchase, version, (e-book or hard copy) and a receipt number. It's as easy as that. The draw will take place on April 4, and the winner will be notified by e-mail and congratulated publicly, (unless they prefer anonymity - I sure don't!)