Growth or Decay

The film As Good As It Gets is an urban fairy tale about unlikely relationships which speaks volumes about how people relate to each other.

In one scene Melvin (Jack Nicholson) and Carol (Helen Hunt) are in a fancy seafood restaurant in Baltimore. Having just a made a mad dash to buy a jacket and tie so he would be allowed in, Melvin makes a comment about how he was forced to dress formally, but she was allowed to wear a house dress. Carol takes great offence, naturally, even though Melvin did not intend to insult her. She then insists that Melvin pay her a compliment or else she will leave. Eventually Melvin comes up with what is the best line in the movie, "You make me want to be a better man."


Melvin thus indicates his willingness to change for Carol. Given his mental problems (OCD and perhaps mild autism), this is a big thing for him, but instead of leaving well enough alone, Carol pushes him for more. She wants to know why he brought her on the trip, and under pressure, he says enough to make her angry and she takes off. Carol's neediness insists on more intimacy than Melvin is ready for.

Two quick points. Firstly, if you don't want to hear the answer, then don't ask the question. If you aren't prepared for the pain of an honest answer, don't ask.Carol pushed Melvin for the truth and then became angry at him when he tried to be honest with her.

Secondly, do not expect or demand change from your partner. Hope for it by all means, but nagging and threatening does not make a good relationship. Melvin told Carol he was willing to change, and he demonstrated that with baby steps. Towards the end of the film when Melvin is avoiding the cracks and lines on the sidewalk, Carol tells him not to or 'this' (meaning their fledging relationship) is not going to work. Another demand. Another threat. 

Change is inevitable. "Nothing stays the same,"  screams the As I Lay Dying track, 'there is only growth or decay'. In personal relationships acceptance is important - in fact for some people, that is all they want: to be loved for who they are - but where does one draw the line. Where do you draw the line?

Ugly Ducklings and Devils

The Ugly Duckling was written in 1844 by Hans Christian Anderson. He may have been describing himself when he wrote about a bird which did not quite fit in, and was therefore rejected because he was different. Like Anderson, the Ugly Duckling survived an awkward and painful "childhood" by virtue of sheer determination. The message of this classic children's tale is clear, or is it?

The Ugly Duckling was not physically beautiful enough  to be accepted into the community of ducks. He was too big, and his feathers too gray. He was too awkward. The Ugly Duckling was not only rejected by his mother and his siblings but also by members of the wider farm community. They pecked, mocked and jostled him. They bullied him. The Ugly Duckling then survived the isolation which followed his decision to flee the cruelty and terror of the duckyard. He lived through the annual duck shoot, a face to face encounter with a dog, and a period of captivity during which he was expected to lay eggs and was abused by the cat and chicken with whom he shared the house, because he could not. The Ugly Duckling endured a freezing winter and would have frozen to death had he not been rescued by a farmer. The safe haven he thought he had found turned into a living nightmare because he was so traumatized that he mistook the playful affection of children for intended harm. He spent the rest of the winter alone, miserable and cold, but we all now how the story ends.

In Anderson's story, the Ugly Duckling is only accepted when his appearance changes: when he exchanges the gray down of a gosling for the beautiful white feathers of a swan. People who are different in some way from what society regards as "normal" have always been, and still are, ostracized. Bullied.Some people decide that the only way to be accepted is to conform, so they change themselves. Shouldn't people be accepted for who they are? Shouldn't the Ugly Duckling  have been accepted despite his appearance and clumsiness? Of course, I hear you say and yet we find ourselves, as a society, once again caught in the 'in between". Stuck in the middle of  "what should be" and "what actually is." This is the tension with which we struggle all of our days here on earth.

Over one hundred and fifty years after The Ugly Duckling was written its themes still resonate with readers but that should not surprise us. Human nature has not changed, nor will it. Millions of dollars have been spent by the government and various other organizations to wage war against bullying. The federal government recently launched a new internet based initiative called Bullying.No Way! All our schools have anti bullying programs. Much time and effort and money has been poured into the attempt to educate the little devils who bully the Ugly Ducklings but it goes on. It continues because there is a huge difference between knowing that something is wrong, and actually not doing it.